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Alert Clerk Foils Fort Dix Delivery from Allah
May 9, 2007, 15:50
FORT Dix, N.J. - Another alert clerk has foiled an attempt to compromise United States interests at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey. The clerk, whose name is being withheld at the request of military officials, works at a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware.
The unnamed clerk became suspicious when a bearded man calling himself A. Akhbar, but believed to be Allah, attempted to send an unusual shipment early today.
The shipment, comprising two male goats, two twelve-year-old girls, and a dozen pizzas, was intended for Eljvir Duka, Dritan Duka, and Shain Duka, three of the six men who were arrested yesterday and charged with plotting to kill soldiers at Fort Dix, New Jersey. The shipment is now in the hands of the FBI, however, because Mr. Akhbar's odd behavior made the morning clerk in the store suspicious.
"When I opened this morning, Mr. Akhbar was waiting outside," said the clerk, "standing near a battered, white Ford F100 with the goats and the girls in the bed and a bumper sticker that said 'Allah Is Great.' He told me he wanted to send the girls, the goats, and the pizzas, along with a message, to the Duka brothers.
"I explained that UPS did not ship livestock or humans. I was going to suggest that he ship with those an airline, so I asked him where the Dukas live."
At that Mr. Akhbar became agitated.
"Hah! You do not know this? How come I know where they are but you do not, swine? What sort of business knows less than its customers? Just send them in care of Fort Dix, New Jersey, USA."
The clerk explained that it wasn't unusual for customers to know their acquaintances better than UPS does. He then extended his hand and offered at least to send the message and the pizzas.
At that Mr. Akhbar drew a large knife from inside his waistband, cut off his arm just below the elbow, and fled the store, leaving the arm and the message, clutched in its hand, behind.
According to the clerk, the message read: "Be strong, my warriors. You will have to share the goats and the virgins for now, but I assure you there are more where these came from. Peace, Allah. P.S. the goats are for cooking, the virgins for happy time. Enjoy the pizzas."
In related news, Republican presidential hopeful Rudy Giuliani called Mike and the Mad Dog yesterday afternoon to say that if a Democrat were in the White House, the Fort Dix conspirators never would have been apprehended.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
