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A&E Promises Better Sopranos Ending
Jun 12, 2007, 12:05
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NEW YORK - An executive for the A&E Television Network promises that its version of The Sopranos final episode, "Made in America," originally broadcast on HBO last Sunday, "will be much more satisfying" than David Chase's ambiguous closing that left so many viewers with their skivvies up their cracks.

"This is still a Christian nation, thank God," said A&E's head of reprogramming, Ferris Wheeler, "and in Christian nations people disapprove not only of the F-bomb but also of television programs that shirk their moral responsibility."

According to A&E's chaplain, Aloysius McFadden, OSFS, "An evil man like Tony Soprano should not be allowed to escape God's eternal wrath after mocking Christian values in his (Mr. Soprano's) final televised gesture—eating an onion ring, which was certainly a satanic reference to the eucharist or, at very least, an example of blatant sexual symbolism. What sort of message does that send our children?"

To date A&E has trotted out thirty-eight modified episodes of The Sopranos at the rate of one a week. Anyone who can't wait to see Tony Soprano "get his" can do the math to ascertain when that glorious day will arrive.


In related news, Journey, whose "Don't Stop Believin'" was playing when The Sopranos faded to black, will release a two-CD compilation entitled The Wedding Mix this fall.

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Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.