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Jenna Bush Gets Engaged with Alberto Gonzalez' Help
Aug 17, 2007, 20:21
Is there a shotgun in her future?
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House announced Thursday that Jenna Bush is engaged to be wed. Jenna, 25, will marry Henry Hager, who is currently in a Georgetown hospital recuperating from knee surgery.
According to an inside source at the White House, Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez and former White House chief of staff Andrew Card snuck into Hager's hospital room late Wednesday night and got the ailing and doped-up twenty-nine-year-old to propose to the less-appealing Bush twin. They also got him to sign a pre-nup that will leave him, in case of divorce, with no rights to Jenna's bush, assets, or asses.
This is the first engagement for the bride as well as the groom, although Jenna had proposed to men outside of bars on numerous occasions after a night of tequila shooters.
A former aide to Karl Rove, Hager, who reportedly can't drive 55, was not considered a serious suitor when he and Jenna began their relationship more than two years ago; but after he had graduated first in the Dark Arts from Rovewarts, the Bush family began to consider him a potential husband. Hager's father, John Hager, is the chairman of the Virginia Republican party.
Rare photo of Jenna Bush's presidential seal tattoo.
Jenna told reporters she hoped there would be a White House wedding, but she was worried about the attendance.
"Uncle Karl won't be there," she said, "or Aunt Harriet or Uncle Donald or Uncle Andy or Uncle Ari or Uncle Colin. Of course, being black, he probably wouldn't have been invited anyway. Who knows how long Uncle Alberto will be here? Uncle Dick could go at any time. Maybe we'll do it at city hall."
The President said he was just happy that Jenna would be moving out of the East Wing basement so he could set up his fussball table.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
