You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Michel Martin Is Today's Michael Vick Tool
Aug 25, 2007, 12:08
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Today's dumb-ass Michael Vick sympathizer is Michel Martin, hostess of Tell Me More, a one-hour daily NPR news talk show.
Ms. Martin, whose husband, Billy, is Michael Vick's lawyer, said last night on the Bill Maher show that with so many murders in Philadelphia, Baltimore, Atlanta, and other cities, she wonders why so much attention is being given to Michael Vick—which is code for "white folks are just piling on Michael because they're a bunch of racists."
Duh! If brothers in Philadelphia were staging bum fights to the death and slamming the bums who didn't fight too well into the ground until they were dead, there would be more attention paid to those murders. If some gangsta thug in Baltimore was electrocuting his victims, that would be news.
Conversely, if Mr. Bad Newz Vick was the two hundredth black NFL player arrested for dog fighting, that would not be news. It wouldn't rate any more coverage than the latest human killing in Atlanta.
For her perspicacity and her ability to talk with her head up her ass, Michel "Tell Us Less" Martin is the winner of a Bad Newz Kennel T-shirt, size 87. (Sizes are approximate, based on the estimated IQs of the award winners as indicated by the stupidity of their remarks.)
Tune in tomorrow and hear Stephon Marbury of the New York Knicks say: "From what I hear, dogfighting is a sport, yo. It's just behind closed doors. And I think it's tough that we build Michael Vick up and then we break him down. Word."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
