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Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags. The planets, the traffic lights, even the local Girl Scout troop will line up against you. Have you insulted one of the mothers of the gods recently or what?
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Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.>
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Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive readers who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.
Larry Craig Hires Michael Vick's Lawyer to Beat Cockfighting Charges Sep 5, 2007 - 10:22
BOISE, Idaho - Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick's attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate.
"My client did not technically engage in—nor does he actually condone—cockfighting," declared Mr. Martin, "and I have to wonder why he is getting so much press when there are serious cases of heterosexual harassment that go unreported every day."
Mr. Martin's remarks indicate that Senator Craig will play the homophobe card in his battle to hold onto his Senate seat.
"If Senator Craig had been accused of rape, heterosexual rape, of course, his fellow senators would have smiled and looked the other way," said Mr. Martin. "Hell, Ted Kennedy would have probably invited him to go yachting or wind surfing or whatever it is old white guys do."
Senator Craig was arrested and pleaded guilty to "solicitation to engage in cockfighting in a public place" on June 11 after he had been snared in a cockfighting sting in the men's room of the Minneapolis-St. Paul airport. He now claims that he did not realize cockfighting in public restrooms was a felony in Minnesota. He thought that by pleading guilty to what he assumed was a misdemeanor he could spare his family any embarrassment.
"My client knows in his heart—and more importantly in his cock—that he did nothing wrong," said Mr. Martin. "He loves his cock and would never put it in harm's way. He and his cock are looking forward to their day in court."
We have all heard the jokes about Henry 8 of England beheading his wives because he was looking for a little different head himself. If our knowledge of Hammerin' Hank stopped there, however, our lives would be the poorer. Henry the Swordsman and his wives, their families, lovers, ex-husbands, ladies in waiting, and ladies in heat (many of whom were the king's mistresses) constituted a cluster-fuck version of Camelot because they certainly came a lot.
1. Catherine of Aragon, the __________ (first, last, second-from-the-right) wife of Henry 8 was previously married to Henry's __________ (brother, son, agent).
2. Catherine claimed that her first marriage had never been __________ ("well and truly blessed," conducted in Latin, "well and truly consummated").
3. When Catherine and Henry 8 were betrothed, Henry was too young to __________ (marry; drive a carriage alone after dark; sit his O levels).
4. Some historians claim that Henry's second wife, Anne Boleyn, had __________ (a sixth finger, a third nipple, bleeding hemorrhoids).
5. The Rolling Stones song __________ ("Under My Thumb," "Bitch," "Brown Sugar") was written about Henry's fourth wife, Anne of Cleeves.
6. The only one of Henry's wives to be buried with him was __________ (Catherine Parr, Jane Seymour, neither of the above).
7. Henry 8 referred to Anne of Cleeves as __________ (a Flanders mare, one gassy old cow, a dyke in a blanket).
8. When Kathryn Howard, 19, married Henry, 49, she was __________ (no longer even pretending to be a virgin; sleeping with her stable boy and his cousin; dyslexic).
9. Henry, meanwhile, was losing __________ (his hair, mind, ability to maintain an erection).
10. Henry's last wife, Catherine Parr, was named after __________ (Henry's first wife; her father's favorite hunting dog, "Old Parr"; herself).
11. When Henry 8 died in 1547 at the age of fifty-five, he __________ (weighed 420 pounds; had lost all feeling in his left leg; couldn't remember the names of any of his wives).