You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
MALIBU - Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.
Unfortunately, the star of Chaotic may have hired an illegal alien. According to documents obtained by THEM Weekly, the Frap caddy hired by Ms. Spears—Maria Vazquez Laredo Conception de la Hoya Morales—entered this country illegally.
"Alien, my lily-white ass," said Ms. Spears when she was asked if Ms. Laredo Conception de la Hoya Morales is an illegal.
"She ain't no alien. She's from Mexico, you retard."
Ms. Spears lost custody of her "little tater tots" following a year-long drugs-and-Doritos binge highlighted by a series of incidents in which she and her lady parts went bat shit in public.
As a result, present legal arrangements dictate that custody of Ms. Spears' two sons reverts to her only in the event of the deaths of her former husband Mr. Federline, his parents, all the adult members of his immediate family, Ms. Spears' parents, all the adult, literate members of her immediate family, and Shar Jackson.
Ms. Spears hopes to leapfrog the frogs in that queue by driving more responsibly, and she believes she can accomplish that if she isn't carrying a Venti Mocha Frappuccino in one hand and a cigarette in the other.
"Ah'm not givin' up mah precious boys without a faht," said Ms. Spears as she and her Frappuccino caddy, Maria Vazquez Laredo Conception de la Hoya Morales, emerged from a Starbucks on Cross Creek Road in Malibu.
"But ah ain't givin' up the Frap, neither," said Ms. Sears. "It keeps me sharp an' heps me to juggle mah career and motherhood and mah social life at the same time."
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
