You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Britney Spears Is the Antichrist for Real
Jan 4, 2008, 16:41
"Could we make a stop at Starbucks?"
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears warned us last year in words as plain as the three 6's scrawled with a black magic marker on her shaven head: "I am the Antichrist." As though to underscore her claim, Ms. Spears ran around stark raving naked in rehab, scrawling misspelled obscenities on the walls with her own feces.
Should we really be surprised, then, that Ms. Spears' demons got the better of her again last night? Is it any wonder she had to be tasered, lashed to a gurney, and taken to Cedars Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles for observation?
According to Sergeant L. C. Pepper of the Los Angeles Police Department, officers were called to Ms. Spears' house to referee a custodial dispute between Ms. Spears, 26, and her ex-husband Kevin Federline, 29, who has primary legal custody of their sons, two-year-old Sean Preston and one-year-old Jayden James.
Police responded with cars, ambulances, traffic helicopters, and an armor-plated fire truck. They found Ms. Spears naked in her hot tub, slapping the water with the palms of her hands in unison, accusing Mr. Federline of "boning that goddamn whore Paris Hilton."
Because of Mr. Federline's alleged misconduct with Ms. Hilton, Ms. Spears did not want to return their sons to Mr. Federline.
"L'oreal, because you're worth it".
"She was pretty torqued," said Sergeant Pepper. "She was cursing and screaming and threatening to castrate Mr. Federline. When she leaped out of the tub and grabbed an umbrella from an umbrella stand outside the front hall powder room, we decided we couldn't take any chances. We know the kind of damage she's capable of doing to a motor vehicle."
By law Ms. Spears can be held in hospital for psychological evaluation for seventy-two hours, a police spokesman said.
Amused? Disgusted? Royally pissed off? Click the Twitter link to share with a friend. Go ahead. It's free.
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
Strike a blow for freedom.
