The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
|
 |
Bush Orders Retirement Savings Mattress for Every American
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reacting to the roiling economic crisis gripping the country, President Bush today signed an executive order providing one complimentary mattress to every American man, woman, and child.
More.
Sep 30, 2008, 15:02
Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas
AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq - President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning.
More.
Sep 3, 2007, 13:26
Jenna Bush Gets Engaged with Alberto Gonzalez’ Help
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House announced Thursday that Jenna Bush is engaged to be married. Jenna, 25, will wed Henry Hager, who is currently in a Georgetown hospital recuperating from knee surgery.
More.
Aug 17, 2007, 20:21
President Bush’s Lyme Disease May Have Been Terrorism
WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush's medical records were released on Wednesday, they revealed that he had been treated for symptoms "consistent with early, localized Lyme disease" in August 2006. Lyme disease is usually contracted through the bite of a deer tick, which the President may have suffered during one of his bike rides.
More.
Aug 10, 2007, 08:35
Bush, Brown Off to Awkward Start in First Meeting
CAMP DAVID, Md. – President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown appear to have gotten off to an awkward start when they met at Camp David yesterday.
More.
Jul 30, 2007, 07:52
Bush Assumes Position for Colonoscopy, Cheney Assumes Power
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney will temporarily assume presidential powers during George Bush's routine colonoscopy tomorrow afternoon.
More.
Jul 20, 2007, 15:22
President Bush Sees Revolutionary and Iraq War Similarities
MARTINSBURG, W.V. – In a Fourth of July speech at a West Virginia Air National Guard base, President George W. Bush sought to strengthen American patriotic resolve by comparing the United States War of Independence with the invasion of Iraq.
More.
Jul 5, 2007, 08:23
President Bush Commutes Harry Potter Death Sentence
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush announced yesterday that he is prepared to commute Harry Potter’s death sentence should he die in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, the seventh and final book in the grossly popular series.
More.
Jul 3, 2007, 09:23
President Bush Unpopular Even Among Illegal Immigrants
LOS ANGELES - The immigration debate, which has divided the Republican party, has divided illegal immigrants, too, with a slight majority of them believing President George W. Bush should be allowed to remain in the White House even though he "sneaked in through the back door."
More.
Jun 25, 2007, 05:04
Don Imus Fundraiser Spotlights Presidential Pardon
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Less than twenty-four hours after MSNBC had fired radio personality Don Imus for calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos," President Bush granted Mr. Imus an executive pardon.
More.
Apr 12, 2007, 15:40
|
© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
|
|
|
|
