Your Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
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God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they’re on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart.”
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Dec 22, 2009, 10:35
Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people. Period. The population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.
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Dec 15, 2009, 12:38
God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during the recent election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, Abba, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayers.
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Dec 1, 2009, 06:57
Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass
VATICAN CITY – Following months of intense speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church.
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Nov 3, 2009, 10:58
God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge
HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to join them.
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Oct 26, 2009, 11:29
Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm
REDMOND - Wash. - Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, "the inspired binary word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama's Silicone Holler. The company produces "salvation software for Jesus geeks."
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Mar 14, 2009, 08:50
Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope’s entourage has confirmed.
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Apr 14, 2008, 12:59
Salvation Army Surge Begins on Black Friday
ALEXANDRIA, Vir. – Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday.
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Nov 20, 2007, 12:08
Conan O’Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican
BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O'Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today.
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Nov 11, 2007, 14:01
Vatican Airlines Flying the Holy Skies
ROME - Vatican Airlines, the world’s first airline for Catholic pilgrims, celebrated its inaugural flight yesterday when 140 of the faithful ascended from Fiumicino airport on a chartered flight to Lourdes.
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Aug 28, 2007, 09:32
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