Top Ten Reasons Cats Aren't Mentioned in the Bible
Two things are certain about the bible: animals were harmed during its production, and cats are not mentioned anywhere in it. If you care to, you can find calves and camels, cankerworms and cattle, cocks and cattle, crickets and crocodiles, but no cats.
Aug 28, 2020 - 8:00
What to Do When She Screams for God During Sex
Dear Friedrich: My girlfriend of several weeks has a habit that could doom our relationship. Whenever we have sex, which is quite frequently and loudly, she begins screaming "Oh god, oh god, oh my god" right before she comes. The problem is, I'm an atheist, and I find this habit distracting. How do I tell her I'd like her to scream something else, preferably my name, instead?
Aug 22, 2019 - 5:23
Discordian Convention Coming to West Chester, PA
WEST CHESTER,PAOnce known as The Athens of the East, this leafy college borough is bidding fair to become San Francisco East. Step one was the recent passage of a legally questionable ban on plastic bags. Step two, which preceded step one, as logic often does in colleges and their surroundings, is the number of students for whom urinating in public is the norm, especially in the middle reaches of S. Walnut Street. The final step was a proclamation yesterday by Dianne Herrin, West Chester's mayor, declaring that West Chester will host the 2020 Discordian International Convention.
Aug 16, 2019 - 7:06
God Throws Shade on Rainbow Bridge Myth
HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts today when The Lord God Almighty issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets "are made young and healthy again" while they wait for their owners to join them. The animals are happy and content, but they each miss someone special who had to be left behind.
Jan 9, 2017 - 10:56
God Says He Told Ref to Throw Flag at “That Silly High School Kid”
HEAVEN–The Lord God Almighty—King of Kings, Giver of All Gifts, Father of All Fathers, and Keeper of the Most Holy Restroom Key—announced today that He was responsible for the penalty assessed on a high school football player who pointed to the sky, and ostensibly at God, after scoring a touchdown in a game two weeks ago.
Oct 28, 2015 - 11:56
What Did Pope Francis Know and When Did He Know It?
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Since finding out last week that Pope Francis, “the cool pope,” had met secretly with Kim Davis in Washington, D.C., on September 24, a meeting that was kept on the down low for six days, everybody from Catholic church officials to their gay brothers-in-law have been scrambling to explain why that meeting didn’t amount to a hill of rosary beads.
Oct 5, 2015 - 7:33
When Francis Met Kim
WASHINGTON, D.C.—His Supreme Excellency Pope Francis—in addition to meeting with the Harlem Globe Trotters, Vice-President “Meadowlark” Biden (who presented him with a photo of Mr. Biden’s late son, Beau), illegal immigrants, disabled illegal immigrants, and the AARP’s Seniors’ Transgender Alliance—also conspired to meet secretly with Kim Davis at the Vatican’s underground bunker in Washington, D.C.
Oct 1, 2015 - 12:02
Christian Baker Doesn't Knead Michelle Duggar's Business
Reeling from the recent child abuse scandal—and having resigned as executive director of the Family Research Council—Josh Duggar took his wife and their three children from Washington, D.C., back to the family homestead in Springdale, Arkansas.
May 29, 2015 - 9:28
God "Sick and Tired of Being Everybody's Damn Witness"
The Lord God Almighty has had it up to his Charlton Heston-like brow with people who say "as god is my witness" when they want to underscore a statement or a threat.
Oct 28, 2013 - 2:01
Atheist Brotherhood to Begin Unbaptizing Dead People
The Universal Brotherhood of the Confrontational Atheist (UBCA) will begin unbaptizing dead people next month, says the group's founder, the Reverend Philip Feral. Believed to be the first program of its kind in West Goshen Township, which was Money Magazine's eleventh-best small town in America in 2009, unbaptizing removes "the taint of baptism" from the deceased.
Oct 20, 2013 - 12:01