Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters:
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God Blasts Rick Perry over Intelligent Design and Celebrity Photo Books
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In a statement faxed to the editor of THEM Weekly magazine, God the Father Almighty chided presidential candidate Rick Perry for using the theory of intelligent design "to suck up to people who claim they speak for me or, worse yet, people who claim that I have spoken directly to them."
Oct 16, 2011, 07:26
First Steve Jobs Miracles Reported, Brown Declares Steve Jobs Day
CUPERTINO, Calif. - As initial reports of the first miracles credited to the divine intervention of Steve Jobs began flickering across the digital divide, California Governor Jerry Brown declared Sunday October 16 "Steve Jobs Day" in Mr. Jobs's home state of California. Mr. Brown tweeted the announcement last night, using the Twitter app on his Steve Jobs Signature Model iPad2.
Oct 15, 2011, 09:03
God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
HEAVEN - God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: "I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they're on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart."
Dec 22, 2009, 10:35
Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people. Period. The population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.
Dec 15, 2009, 12:38
God Installs Caller ID and Automated Phone Menu
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Because of the overwhelming number of prayers received during the recent election, football, and Christmas seasons, God (a/k/a the Supreme Being, Yaweh, Allah, Abba, and the Big Fella) has installed caller ID and an automated phone menu to handle all future prayers.
Dec 1, 2009, 06:57
Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass
VATICAN CITY -- Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope's decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray.
Nov 3, 2009, 10:58
God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge
HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to join them.
Oct 26, 2009, 11:29
Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm
REDMOND - Wash. - Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, "the inspired binary word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama's Silicone Holler. The company produces "salvation software for Jesus geeks."
Mar 14, 2009, 08:50
Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania
WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope's entourage has confirmed.
Apr 14, 2008, 12:59
Salvation Army Surge Begins on Black Friday
ALEXANDRIA, Vir. - Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday.
Nov 20, 2007, 12:08
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
3. Seat Belts
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
10. Going to Bed Early.