Your Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your financial prospects are so wretched you could only afford the new George Foreman heavyweight grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that’s overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a threee-hundred-pound canary named Junior will raise the specter of duality, adjectives, and the Hegelian dialectic in your mind.
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God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they’re on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart.”
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Dec 22, 2009, 10:35
Jesus Puts Population of Heaven at 150
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - The civilized world was staggered yesterday by Jesus' off-hand remark that there are roughly 150 people in heaven. That's 1-to-the-5-plus-0 people. Period. The population of septic fields like Armpit, New Mexico, and Chowder Falls, Wisconsin.
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Dec 15, 2009, 12:38
Pope Benedict XVI Declares War on Wet Dreams
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI, who threatened condom users in Africa with excommunication recently, is now taking aim on wet dreams. In an encyclical entitled God Owns the Night the supreme pontiff warned Catholics that they "cannot seek refuge in sleep" in order to enjoy illicit sexual activities.
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Mar 21, 2009, 09:51
Microsoft Acquires Christian Software Firm
REDMOND - Wash. - Microsoft's CEO Bill Gates announced yesterday that his company had acquired Endtimes! Software, the leading Christian software producer in Alabama. Endtimes!, "the inspired binary word of the Lord," is headquartered in Opp, the center of Alabama's Silicone Holler. The company produces "salvation software for Jesus geeks."
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Mar 14, 2009, 08:50
Shocking Biblical Revelation: When Adam Met Steve
TEL AVIV – Conservative Christian groups around the world have been thrown into a state of disarray after texts from the newly discovered Apocrypha of Genesis were released to the religious press today.
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Sep 22, 2008, 15:07
Pope Benedict Approves Measure to Increase Vocations
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Responding to the need for priestly vocations in the United States, Pope Benedict XVI has ordered officials from the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops to sponsor the first annual Running of the Altar Boys in hopes of attracting new members to the church's all-male clergy.
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Apr 17, 2008, 09:58
Pope Benedict Will Visit West Chester, Pennsylvania
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Pope Benedict XVI will visit West Chester, Pennsylvania, Wednesday evening, a member of the pope’s entourage has confirmed.
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Apr 14, 2008, 12:59
Salvation Army Surge Begins on Black Friday
ALEXANDRIA, Vir. – Inspired by reports touting the success of the military surge in Iraq, which is credited with driving an 8-percent increase in foot traffic and impulse buying at the Baghdad Mall, the Salvation Army has announced plans to roll out a similar strategy beginning on Black Friday.
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Nov 20, 2007, 12:08
Conan O’Brien Stalker Reassigned by Vatican
BOSTON – David Ajemian, the Roman Catholic priest who was arrested last week in New York for allegedly stalking Conan O'Brien, has been reassigned to the Vatican, a papal spokesman announced today.
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Nov 11, 2007, 14:01
Vatican Airlines Flying the Holy Skies
ROME - Vatican Airlines, the world’s first airline for Catholic pilgrims, celebrated its inaugural flight yesterday when 140 of the faithful ascended from Fiumicino airport on a chartered flight to Lourdes.
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Aug 28, 2007, 09:32
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