The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences
LAS VEGAS – Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.
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Mar 5, 2009, 09:44
Paul McCartney, Iraq War, Mystery Sculpture Top News Headlines
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Paul McCartney is rid of Heather Mills and $49.8 million; the War in Iraq is five years old and isn’t toilet trained yet; the Houston Rockets winning streak blew up in their hands; but the big news today is the appearance of a mystery sculpture on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound near West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Mar 19, 2008, 17:19
Paul McCartney, Iraq War, Mystery Sculpture Top News Headlines
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Paul McCartney is rid of Heather Mills; the War in Iraq is five years old; the Houston Rockets winning streak is history; but the big news today is the appearance of a mystery sculpture on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound near West Chester, Pennsylvania.
More.
Mar 19, 2008, 12:54
Musharraf Denies Bhutto Was Assassinated
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf maintained today that political rival Benazir Bhutto did not die a martyr’s death at an assassin’s hand. She died, instead, from massive trauma after banging her head on the sun roof of her car when she attempted to stand up before opening the roof.
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Jan 4, 2008, 09:32
Paul McCartney Drops Boob Visitation Request
LONDON – Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills' breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.
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Oct 22, 2007, 14:32
Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount
SAN FRANCISCO - Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.
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Oct 14, 2007, 15:12
Thomas the Tank Engine Sued for Sexual Harassment
VICARSTOWN, Sodor - Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The disgraced tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “F off!”
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Oct 6, 2007, 14:29
Madeleine McCann Sightings Impede Investigation
LONDON – The latest Madeleine McCann “sighting” confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents.
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Sep 27, 2007, 10:38
Osama Bin Laden Bombs in CNN 911 Awards Opener
ATLANTA - It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden’s career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN’s 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday.
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Sep 14, 2007, 10:01
Kate McCann’s Diary, an Exclusive Peek
LONDON – Pages purported to have come from Kate McCann’s diary have been photocopied and leaked to The Sun, England’s tabloid conscience. According to the paper’s managing editor, Malcolm Pease, the diary pages arrived via fax at The Sun’s lifestyle desk late yesterday evening.
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Sep 13, 2007, 10:06
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