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 Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
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Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.
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Mar 8, 2010, 16:36
Chilean President Blames Pat Robertson for Earthquake's Effects
CONCEPCION - Chilean President Michelle Bachelet told a group of displaced persons cooking rodents around an open fire yesterday that televangelist Pat Robertson is responsible for the despair and lawlessness currently sweeping their country.
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Mar 1, 2010, 11:26
God Announces Recall of Entire Human Race
MORGANTON, W.V. - In what business analysts are calling a move unprecedented in the history of manufacturing, God announced yesterday the immediate recall of all currently functioning human beings. The action came after centuries of complaints to God by human beings who have long contended that something was seriously wrong with the human race.
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Oct 24, 2009, 08:51
Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences
LAS VEGAS – Yin and Yang, one of the world’s most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.
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Mar 5, 2009, 09:44
Paul McCartney, Iraq War, Mystery Sculpture Top News Headlines
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Paul McCartney is rid of Heather Mills and $49.8 million; the War in Iraq is five years old and isn’t toilet trained yet; the Houston Rockets winning streak blew up in their hands; but the big news today is the appearance of a mystery sculpture on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound near West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Mar 19, 2008, 17:19
Paul McCartney, Iraq War, Mystery Sculpture Top News Headlines
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Paul McCartney is rid of Heather Mills; the War in Iraq is five years old; the Houston Rockets winning streak is history; but the big news today is the appearance of a mystery sculpture on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound near West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Mar 19, 2008, 12:54
Musharraf Denies Bhutto Was Assassinated
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf maintained today that political rival Benazir Bhutto did not die a martyr’s death at an assassin’s hand. She died, instead, from massive trauma after banging her head on the sun roof of her car when she attempted to stand up before opening the roof.
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Jan 4, 2008, 09:32
Paul McCartney Drops Boob Visitation Request
LONDON – Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills' breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.
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Oct 22, 2007, 14:32
Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount
SAN FRANCISCO - Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.
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Oct 14, 2007, 15:12
Thomas the Tank Engine Sued for Sexual Harassment
VICARSTOWN, Sodor - Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The disgraced tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “F off!”
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Oct 6, 2007, 14:29
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