Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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Raffaele Sollecito Eager to Step Out of Amanda Knox's Shadow
PERUGIA, Italy - No matter what happens when an Italian court reaches a verdict in the appeals trial of Raffaele Sollecito and Amanda Knox today, Mr. Sollecito says he is ready to be "my own man (un uomo con grandi testicoli)," not "a puppy on a leash," as he has been called by the Italian press.
More.
Oct 3, 2011, 10:07
Proposed Nagasaki Ground-Zero Shinto-Christian Center Draws Protest
NAGASAKI - Thousands of irate Japanese citizens turned out in Nagasaki last weekend to protest the planned construction of a Shinto-Christian cultural center, located just two blocks from the bull's eye of the city's Industrial Valley, an area known as "Ground Zero" since 1945.
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Aug 10, 2010, 11:38
Vatican Chorister Fingered in Gay Sex Scandal
VATICAN CITY - The Vatican remained tight-lipped today following reports that a chorister was fired for allegedly procuring male prostitutes for a papal gentleman-in-waiting.
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Mar 8, 2010, 16:36
Chilean President Blames Pat Robertson for Earthquake's Effects
CONCEPCION - Chilean President Michelle Bachelet told a group of displaced persons cooking rodents around an open fire yesterday that televangelist Pat Robertson is responsible for the despair and lawlessness currently sweeping their country.
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Mar 1, 2010, 11:26
God Announces Recall of Entire Human Race
MORGANTON, W.V. - In what business analysts are calling a move unprecedented in the history of manufacturing, God announced yesterday the immediate recall of all currently functioning human beings. The action came after centuries of complaints to God by human beings who have long contended that something was seriously wrong with the human race.
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Oct 24, 2009, 08:51
Yin and Yang Seek Divorce, Citing Irreconcilable Differences
LAS VEGAS -- Yin and Yang, one of the world's most beloved and recognizable couples, has filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for their split.
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Mar 5, 2009, 09:44
Paul McCartney, Iraq War, Mystery Sculpture Top News Headlines
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Paul McCartney is rid of Heather Mills and $49.8 million; the War in Iraq is five years old and isn't toilet trained yet; the Houston Rockets winning streak blew up in their hands; but the big news today is the appearance of a mystery sculpture on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound near West Chester, Pennsylvania.
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Mar 19, 2008, 17:19
Musharraf Denies Bhutto Was Assassinated
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf maintained today that political rival Benazir Bhutto did not die a martyr's death at an assassin's hand. She died, instead, from massive trauma after banging her head on the sun roof of her car when she attempted to stand up before opening the roof.
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Jan 4, 2008, 09:32
Paul McCartney Drops Boob Visitation Request
LONDON - Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills' breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.
More.
Oct 22, 2007, 14:32
Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount
SAN FRANCISCO - Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie in this year's Nobel Peace Prize voting.
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Oct 14, 2007, 15:12
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
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