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Musharraf Denies Bhutto Was Assassinated
ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf maintained today that political rival Benazir Bhutto did not die a martyr’s death at an assassin’s hand. She died, instead, from massive trauma after banging her head on the sun roof of her car when she attempted to stand up before opening the roof.
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Jan 4, 2008, 09:32
Paul McCartney Drops Boob Visitation Request
LONDON – Paul McCartney is so keen to be shed of Heather Mills that he has dropped his request for joint custodial oversight of Ms. Mills' breasts and a generous, unsupervised visitation schedule.
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Oct 22, 2007, 14:32
Al Gore Demands Nobel Prize Recount
SAN FRANCISCO - Al Gore told reporters in San Francisco yesterday that he will demand a recount in order to break the tie for this year’s Nobel Peace Prize.
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Oct 14, 2007, 15:12
Thomas the Tank Engine Sued for Sexual Harassment
VICARSTOWN, Sodor - Thomas the Tank Engine has been sued for sexual harassment by Lady Jane Hatt and her granddaughter Bridgett. The disgraced tank engine was subjected to a perp push by another tank engine and the Angry Policeman, who lived up to his name by continually telling the paparazzi to “F off!”
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Oct 6, 2007, 14:29
Madeleine McCann Sightings Impede Investigation
LONDON – The latest Madeleine McCann “sighting” confirms an ironic phenomenon: sightings of the missing four-year-old are impeding the search for her by siphoning away time, money, and resources that could be spent more wisely applying thumbscrews to her parents.
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Sep 27, 2007, 10:38
Osama Bin Laden Bombs in CNN 911 Awards Opener
ATLANTA - It was meant to be Osama Bin Laden’s career revival, a triumphant return to form that would finally shush the incessant whispering that he was dead. Bin Laden, however, failed to live up to the moment when he kicked off CNN’s 911 Commemoration Awards on Tuesday.
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Sep 14, 2007, 10:01
Kate McCann’s Diary, an Exclusive Peek
LONDON – Pages purported to have come from Kate McCann’s diary have been photocopied and leaked to The Sun, England’s tabloid conscience. According to the paper’s managing editor, Malcolm Pease, the diary pages arrived via fax at The Sun’s lifestyle desk late yesterday evening.
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Sep 13, 2007, 10:06
Osama bin Laden Video Launches September 11 Collection
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Osama Bin Laden has released a popping new video to accompany the launch of his revolutionary September 11 Collection, which hits high-end shopping stalls in Muslim countries on Tuesday, the sixth anniversary of the deadliest attacks on the U.S. fashion industry.
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Sep 8, 2007, 15:21
Madeleine McCann’s Mother Advances to Suspect Round in Quiz Show
PORTIMAO, Portugal – Madeline McCann’s mother, Kate, has advanced to the suspect round in this season’s smash Portuguese television show Did You Kill Your Daughter?.
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Sep 7, 2007, 08:54
Maliki Fights Back, Calls Hillary Clinton an Unelectable Whore
BAGHDAD – Iraqi prime minister, Nouri al-Maliki, called Senator Hillary Clinton “an unelectable whore” yesterday. The obviously annoyed prime minister made this observation during a profane tirade at a press conference in Baghdad's fortified Green Shopping Zone.
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Aug 27, 2007, 08:53
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