Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
More Horoscopes
The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
|
 |
Facebook Considering Fuckbook Spinoff
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Surprised by some users' reactions to the pornographic and violent images that appeared on Facebook recently, officials at the site are considering an adults-only version of Facebook, tentatively called Fuckbook.
More.
Nov 16, 2011, 20:42
Six Hitler Substitutions That Won't Get Your Ass in Trouble
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Countless people have come to grief for comparing someone to Adolph Hitler. The latest, Chef Mario Batali, compared Wall Street executives to Hitler at a Time magazine panel recently.
More.
Nov 14, 2011, 17:17
Mothers Against Drunk Driving Challenges Red Solo Cup Manufacturer over Breast Augmentation Photos Cups
IRVING, Texas - Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) has issued a challenge to The Paper Container Manufacturing Company, makers of the ubiquitous red Solo cups that have ridden shotgun on millions of student binge-drinking escapades: "Start putting warning labels on your little red cups or we'll make you do it."
More.
Oct 13, 2011, 12:44
Paul McCartney Marries Another Plain-Looking Vegetarian
LONDON - Paul McCartney wed American heiress Nancy Shevell in a brief civil ceremony in London yesterday. Ms. Shevell, 51, is the third in a series of remarkably plain, vegetarian women whom Mr. McCartney, 69, has married.
More.
Oct 10, 2011, 08:03
Amanda Knox Bags High Paying American Express Ad
NEW YORK - En route from Rome to London the day after her release from an Italian prison, Amanda Knox nipped into the loo, where she made the acquaintance of an American Express marketing rep, one of dozens of such specimens who had coincidentally booked passage on the same flight. She emerged from that loo as the new face of AmEx.
More.
Oct 5, 2011, 12:44
An Open Letter to Those Barenaked People in San Francisco
Dear Hideous-Looking Assholes:
OK, you had your little Nude-In last Saturday, now put your damn clothes on. Put 'em all on, every last bit you left at home in an arrogant, misguided attempt to shove your stinking business into innocent faces.
More.
Sep 27, 2011, 12:49
How Well Do You Know Justin Bieber's Johnson?
HOLLYWOOD - Last month Justin Bieber turned up at the MTV Video Music Awards with a snake in his right hand. During a pre-show interview with Selena Gomez, Mr. Bieber, seventeen, revealed that the snake's name is Johnson. He then asked several young ladies if they wanted to touch his Johnson.
More.
Sep 26, 2011, 09:04
Texas Says Death Row Inmates Deserve Healthier Last Meals
HUNTSVILLE, Texas - The execution of Lawrence Brewer has reignited the controversy about the last meals traditionally served to inmates on death row. Mr. Brewer, forty-four, was executed in the Texas State Penitentiary last night for killing a handicapped black man thirteen years ago by dragging him from the back of a pick-up truck.
More.
Sep 23, 2011, 12:07
Celebrating National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month
PHILADELPHIA - September is National Childhood Obesity Awareness Month, when we pause to acknowledge obese children across the United States. A growing presence in this country, obese children have ballooned from 6.5 to 19.6 percent of the childhood population in the last three decades.
More.
Sep 14, 2011, 11:00
PETA Warns Against Having Sex in Front of Your Pets
HAMPTON ROADS, Vir, - People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) latest campaign is likely to be its most controversial. The veteran animal rights crusaders plan a "full-on effort" to warn people about the dangers of having sex in front of their animals.
More.
Sep 5, 2011, 12:23
|
© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
|
|
|
 Follow the Pug Bus
or it will follow you home.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
|
