The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Parental Controls Fail: Porn, Stupid TV, Cooking Shows Still Dominate
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Despite their widespread use, parental controls have been a disappointment as a means of empowering children to control their parents' Internet and television viewing.
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Nov 15, 2009, 09:32
Detroit Automobile Slump Cited for Drop in Autoeroticism
DETROIT – Plummeting sales of domestic automobiles are being blamed for the recent drop in reported cases of autoeroticism. Once the guilty pleasure of hardcore sexual deviants, autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—had begun to make significant mainstream inroads thanks to the scene in Jackass 2 in which Dev-O gets it on with a Ford Explorer in the parking lot of Philadelphia's Lincoln Financial Field prior to an Eagles game.
More.
Mar 3, 2009, 11:48
President Obama Plans Portuguese Water Dog Bailout
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Having asked Congress for three trillion dollars to bail out banks, mortgage scofflaws, the educational system, health care, and the Recording Industry Association of America, President Barack Obama is poised to announce as early as next week his plan to bail out a Portuguese water dog from an animal shelter.
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Feb 26, 2009, 13:06
Will Smith to Play Barack Obama in Fresh Prince of D.C.
LOS ANGELES – Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut on CoLoursTV in the fall.
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Feb 22, 2009, 11:13
Chris Brown Bobblehead Doll Attacks Paris Hilton Doll
LOS ANGELES – Police announced yesterday that they were seeking a Chris Brown bobblehead doll for questioning in connection with an alleged attack on a Paris Hilton bobblehead doll that occurred in a closet in the Apollo Doll Company.
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Feb 15, 2009, 15:29
Twilight Leaves Undead Unhappy with Stereotypes
TOMB, Penna. - Jack Ripley, chairman of the National Organization of the Undead (NOU), announced at a press conference that his organization is filing suit against the producers of Twilight for what he called "flagrant misrepresentation of the Undead as tortured, obsessed losers who go around sucking blood all the dead-long day."
More.
Nov 27, 2008, 10:45
Wolf Blitzer Wedding Tops CNN News
ATLANTA, Ga. - CNN's Situation Room host, Wolf Blitzer, often heard extolling the virtues of "the best political team on television," announced during yesterday's broadcast that he would be tying the knot with his love of the last several years.
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Nov 15, 2008, 08:55
Dr. Phil Visits Jessica Sierra
TAMPA, Fla. – Jessica Sierra is the latest fly catcher to get a surprise visit from celebrity-train-wreck chaser Dr. Phil.
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Jan 9, 2008, 08:35
Mischa Barton Claims She Was Smoking Medical Marijuana
LOS ANGELES – Mischa Barton, arrested early yesterday morning on suspicion of drunk driving, told reporters when she was released from jail later in the day that the weed found in the vehicle she had been driving is medical marijuana.
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Dec 28, 2007, 11:38
Jamie Lynn Spears Home Pregnancy Test on eBay
BUMFUCH, La. – The Jamie Lynn Spears’ home pregnancy test that was run up the eBay flagpole on Wednesday might be run back down before it’s had a chance to spread its wings.
More.
Dec 21, 2007, 11:53
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