Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
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Bynum Sitting Pretty for Philadelphia 76ers
PHILADELPHIA - Despite knees that are as creaky as a forty-year-old Vietnamese prostitute's, the Philadelphia 76ers recently acquired franchise center, Andrew Bynum, gave his team ten valuable minutes on the bench last night as the Sixers defeated the visiting Denver Nuggets 84-75 in the season opener for both teams.
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Nov 1, 2012, 11:03
Tim Tebow Denounced by Opponents of Interracial Marriage
LOUISVILLE, Ky. - A firestorm erupted when the Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church in rural Kentucky voted to ban mixed-race couples from joining its congregation. Following this vote, numerous members of the National Association of Freewill Baptist Churches (NAFBC) threw feul on the flames by publishing racially incriminating photographs of the notorious Christian quarterback Tim Tebow.
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Jan 2, 2012, 12:24
How NBA Players Economized During the Lockout
MIAMI - NBA players will finally report to training camps tomorrow to prepare for the 2011-2012 season, which begins December 25 this year, nearly two months later than usual.
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Dec 8, 2011, 13:13
Joe Paterno Diagnosed with Cancer, Penn State Students Riot
STATE COLLEGE, Penna, - When students learned that former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno had been diagnosed with lung cancer, they took to the streets by the thousands last night, clashing with police and overturning at least one medical vehicle.
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Nov 19, 2011, 07:50
NBA Players Union To Decertify, Regroup as Shopper's Club
NEW YORK - Claiming that the National Basketball Association owners latest contract offer will make it "more difficult for us to keep food on the table," the NBA players union has voted unanimously to disband.
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Nov 15, 2011, 11:55
Was Joe Paterno Fired Because of His Two-Quarterback Offense?
STATE COLLEGE, Penna. - Ostensibly ex-Penn State football coach Joe Paterno was fired by the school's board of trustees because he had failed to step up and be counted when he was told nine years ago that his former defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky had been observed buggering some helpless ten-year-old in the shower room in one of Penn State's football buildings.
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Nov 11, 2011, 10:04
Jerry Sandusky's Tiny Tots Football Camps Now Accepting Applications
STATE COLLEGE, Penna. - Penn State coaching legend Jerry Sandusky will offer a series of Jerry's Kids Tiny Tots football camps for disadvantaged youth ages six to nine next summer. The sessions will be held at Camp Cowabunga, an Indian-theme campground north of Altoona, Pennsylvania.
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Nov 9, 2011, 09:09
Sandusky Blitz Penetrates Top-Five Penn State Ice Cream Flavors
HAPPY VALLEY, Penna. - Sandusky Blitz, long one of the limp dicks among the one hundred ice cream flavors offered at Penn State's beloved Creamery, has suddenly thrust itself into the top five Creamery favorites.
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Nov 7, 2011, 09:43
NBA Stars Looking into World Bidet Association
ST. PAUL, Minn. - Minnesota Timberwolves forward Michael Beasley isn't the only National Basketball Association (NBA) player who turned the wrong cheek when he said he'd considering signing with the World Bidet Association (WBA) recently.
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Oct 28, 2011, 11:09
President Obama Threatens NBA Players Who Sign with Foreign Teams
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama said today that National Basketball Association (NBA) players who sign with "foreign teams" during the current NBA lockout will be taxed heavily for their "selfish, un-American behavior."
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Oct 11, 2011, 14:51
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
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