Your Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.
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Ben Roethlisberger Fondles the Snapper
MILLEDGEVILLE, Ga. - A twenty-year-old college student has accused Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger of sexually assaulting her at a nightclub early Friday morning. The student, whose name is being withheld by authorities, alleges that Mr. Roethlisberger placed his hands between her legs and bumped them against her suggestively several times.
More.
Mar 6, 2010, 12:14
New Orleans Saints Fans Angry Following Super Bowl Win
NEW ORLEANS - The New Orleans Saints' victory parade was rained on by Las Vegas odds makers, who installed the Indianapolis Colts as 13:2 favorites to win next year's Super Bowl. What's more, the San Diego Chargers are second favorites at 8:1, while the Saints are tied for third with the New England Patriots at 10:1.
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Feb 10, 2010, 10:08
Mark McGwire Admits to Using Prayer to Gain Competitive Edge
NEW YORK - During a fifty-minute interview with Bob Costas on the MLB Network yesterday, former St. Louis Cardinals slugger Mark McGwire confessed tearfully that he had turned to prayer in order to treat injuries that had kept him off the field repeatedly in the early 1990s.
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Jan 12, 2010, 10:57
Wizards Win Shoot Out with 76ers
PHILADELPHIA, Penna. - After looking as if they had been playing with unloaded guns for the entire first half, the Washington Wizards rallied from an 18-point, third-quarter deficit to outshoot the Philadelphia 76ers 104-97 at the Wachovia Center last night.
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Jan 6, 2010, 09:56
NBA Installing Metal Detectors in All Locker Rooms
NEW YORK, N.Y. - The National Basketball Association (NBA) moved quickly to minimize the presence of handguns in locker rooms around the league following an incident in the Washington Wizards locker room a few days before Christmas.
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Jan 3, 2010, 09:08
Tiger Woods Confesses to Tryptophan Addiction
JUPITER ISLAND, Fla. - Tiger Woods revealed on his website this morning that he has decided to seek treatment for his tryptophan addiction. Mr. Woods also revealed that he was "high as a kite" the morning he shanked his SUV into the rough on his front lawn.
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Dec 14, 2009, 13:56
Al Qaeda Rebuilds Through Draft, Trades, Free Agency
WASHINGTON, D.C. – According to U.S. intelligence scouting reports, Al Qaeda has rebuilt its operating team through a clever mixture of good draft choices, trades, and free agent acquisitions and is primed to make a run for the playoffs when the 2007-08 terrorist-attack season begins September 1.
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Nov 5, 2009, 08:28
Michael Phelps Disqualified from Olympics
BEIJING -- United States swimming star Michael Phelps has been disqualified from the Beijing Olympics, the International Olympic Committee announced today. The move, which strips Phelps of the eight gold medals he won in Beijing, threatens to cast a pall over his record-breaking performance.
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Aug 17, 2008, 08:45
Eight Belles to Miss Preakness
BALTIMORE, Md. – Now that I have your attention, let me say that the people who are attempting to spin the needless death of Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby are bottom feeders of the first order.
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May 7, 2008, 12:07
All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor’s Number
NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season.
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Nov 28, 2007, 16:42
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