The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Michael Phelps Disqualified from Olympics
BEIJING -- United States swimming star Michael Phelps has been disqualified from the Beijing Olympics, the International Olympic Committee announced today. The move, which strips Phelps of the eight gold medals he won in Beijing, threatens to cast a pall over his record-breaking performance.
More.
Aug 17, 2008, 08:45
Eight Belles to Miss Preakness
BALTIMORE, Md. – Now that I have your attention, let me say that the people who are attempting to spin the needless death of Eight Belles in the Kentucky Derby are bottom feeders of the first order.
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May 7, 2008, 12:07
Jessica Simpson’s Hooters Will Haunt Tony Romo Forever
DALLAS, Texas - After Jessica Simpson’s hooters had distracted Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo into tripping over his dick in a game against the Philadelphia Eagles last week, sportswriters and other mentally challenged types blamed Mr. Romo’s inept performance on the specter of Ms. Simpson’s chesticles looming down like twin space ships from a luxury box high in the Cowboys stadium.
More.
Dec 22, 2007, 12:01
Tony Parker, Eva Longoria Deny He Went Back Door with Model
SAN ANTONIO – San Antonio Spurs point guard, Tony Parker, and his bride of five months, Eva Longoria, deny that he ever went “back door” with French singer-actress-model Alexandra Paressant.
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Dec 14, 2007, 11:38
All NFL Players Will Wear Sean Taylor’s Number
NEW YORK – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodall announced today that all NFL players will wear slain Washington Redskins safety Sean Taylor’s number on their jerseys in place of their own numbers for the remainder of the regular season.
More.
Nov 28, 2007, 16:42
McNabb Out of Patriots Game, Spread Falls to Sixteen
PHILADELPHIA – Las Vegas oddsmakers have reacted to the news that Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb will miss tomorrow night’s game against the undefeated New England patriots by dropping the spread on the game from twenty-four to sixteen points.
More.
Nov 24, 2007, 14:51
Eagles Coach Andy Reid Suspends Sons
PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Eagles coach Andy Reid announced this morning that he was suspending his sons Garrett and Britt.
More.
Nov 3, 2007, 17:04
Brad Pitt to Star in Barbaro the Musical
KENNETT SQUARE, Penna. - Brad Pitt, fresh off his triumph in The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford, is set to star in a horse opera of another color: the inspiring story of Barbaro, the super horse who captured the lonely eyes of a nation.
More.
Sep 25, 2007, 08:32
Donovan McNabb Says Black Dogfighters Are More Criticized
PHILADELPHIA – Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb has gone deep again. His target this time is the perceived inequality in the treatment of white and black dogfighters.
More.
Sep 21, 2007, 13:20
Donovan McNabb Says O.J. Simpson Was Framed
PHILADELPHIA – Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb believes O.J. Simpson was framed for kidnapping, armed robbery, and hooliganism because he is “too black for the dominant white culture” that rules America.
More.
Sep 19, 2007, 11:56
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