Is Obesity Weighing Down the Soul?
The results of a study published in the November issue of Applied Psychological Measurement suggest that the obesity epidemic popping seams and buttons all over the United States is having a quantifiable impact on the human soul.
Sep 20, 2020 - 4:55
U.S. Satire Site Beaks Dark Web Death Threat Story
Kirill Morozov is a twenty-year-old from Belarus with a bad haircut, incriminating facial tattoos, and hell hounds on his trail. Several months ago Mr. Morozov allegedly stole most of the bitcoin from Nightmare Market, the Dark Web (DW) drug-slinging site where he was employed. The amount has never been specified, but given the scope of similar DW exit scams and of police drug-site take downs, it was probably colossal. Nightmare Market had total listings of 47.4k as of June 2019, per DarknetStats.
Dec 14, 2019 - 7:59
Propane-Driven Vape Pens Blamed for Three Deaths in Amish Country
News of the deaths of three unrelated Amish youth—Jacob Stolzfus, 18, Lukas Stolzfus, 19, and Cyrus Martin, 21—has exploded like after-market vape pens in this quaintly named Amish community. The youth, who were all employed in the kitchen at Miller's Family Style Smorgasbord, died after the vape pens they had jury rigged to allow them to smoke marijuana exploded without warning.
Sep 15, 2019 - 6:05
Apple iPhone 11 Contains Fecal Finder App
The forty-days-and-forty-nights rollout of the iPhone 11 is nearing the end of the tunnel, and Apple, it seems, has saved one of the most revolutionary features of its gear new phone for last: the Fecal Finder app, which can detect fecal material as small as one part per one hundred millionth on any iPhone 11.
Sep 12, 2019 - 6:06
Updates for Old White Man Apps Due from Apple, Google
CUPERTINO, CA—Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking contest to see who can get to market first with a significant upgrade for the Old White Man (OWM) app, which was originally patterned after Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius
Dec 19, 2016 - 2:27
Hello Barbie Hears All and Tells All
Something called the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood (CCFC) wants you to know that Hello Barbie™ is the most sordid and contemptible toy ever sold this year. According to CCFC founder, Susan Linn, Hello Barbie™ is “creepy and creates a host of dangers for children and families.”
Dec 22, 2015 - 11:24
Apple Vies with Google to Market Old White Man App
Apple and Google are locked in a hair-pulling, eye-gouging, nut-smacking battle to see who can get to market first with an Old White Man (OWM) app. According to a Silicon Valley source, the app will be similar to Grindr, a popular app that helps gay men to locate other gay men who are close enough to shake a dick at—or at least within a fifteen-mile radius.
Nov 30, 2015 - 12:05
Windows 10 Officially Labeled Malware by NCSA
CARLISLE, Pa.—The National Computer Security Association (NCSA) has announced that Windows 10, the aggressively marketed new operating system from Microsoft, now qualifies as malware. The NCSA, headquartered in Carlisle, Pennsylvania, made the announcement after receiving “countless troubling reports” of Microsoft’s having “gone rogue” in promoting and distributing Windows 10.
Oct 19, 2015 - 4:50
Apple To Reveal Shocker at Annual Event
As the tech world holds its breath waiting for Apple’s Christmas-in-September party today, rumors are swirling that the Cupertino giant has a major surprise up its sleeve—or up its ass, to be more precise.
Sep 9, 2015 - 12:34
New iPad 5 Will Introduce Fading Keypad Letters
The big whisper from the Apple campus here in Cupertino is that Apple's new iPad 5 and iPad Mimi 2 will introduce fading keypad letters. This innovation, one of several iPad redesign elements in the offing, has the potential to be the breakout star of Apple's fall launch event scheduled for October 22.
Oct 11, 2013 - 12:10