The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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President Obama Vows to Take On Gravity Shortfall
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces “a critical shortfall of gravity” brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past.
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Feb 17, 2009, 18:26
Obama Nominates Paris Hilton as Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In one of his most daring acts since he was installed as president, Barack Obama announced today that he was nominating hotel heiress Paris Hilton for the newly created post of Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue.
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Feb 12, 2009, 15:27
Blagojevich's Hair Inspires New Vetting Rules
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The corruption scandal surrounding Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, has had an impact on the political process already: the rules for vetting candidates vying for political positions will soon be updated to include consideration of a candidate's hair. Some say the change is long overdue.
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Dec 19, 2008, 10:23
Obama to Name William Ayers Secretary of Education
CHICAGO, Ill. – President elect Barack Obama is expected to name Chicago educator William Ayers to the post of secretary of education.
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Nov 6, 2008, 16:46
Bush Orders Retirement Savings Mattress for Every American
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reacting to the roiling economic crisis gripping the country, President Bush today signed an executive order providing one complimentary mattress to every American man, woman, and child.
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Sep 30, 2008, 15:02
Eliot Spitzer’s Wife Had Him by the Balls
NEW YORK – Former New York governor Eliot Spitzer is said to be responding well to the genital reconstructive surgery he underwent following his admission two weeks ago that he had consorted with high-dollar prostitutes.
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Mar 26, 2008, 09:07
Ann Coulter, Bill Maher Sex Video Leaked on Web
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Political commentator and steamy, right-wing sex goddess Ann Coulter has never been loath to use her sexuality or her tongue to sell books.
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Oct 13, 2007, 13:33
Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says.
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Sep 12, 2007, 11:57
Larry Craig Hires Michael Vick’s Lawyer to Beat Cockfighting Charges
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick’s attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate.
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Sep 5, 2007, 10:22
Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas
AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq - President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning.
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Sep 3, 2007, 13:26
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