Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
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Romney Refutes Santorum's Stool Sample Claim
CONCORD, N.H. - The shit hit the fan yesterday morning when Republican presidential hopefuls met for a debate on Meet the Press. Toward the end of the debate Rick Santorum dropped a bombshell when he announced that he was planning to bring the Marian Stool on tour as a means of energizing his base and demonstrating God's preference for his candidacy.
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Jan 9, 2012, 11:37
Herman Cain Sex Video Less Thrilling than Cold Pizza
ATLANTA, Geo. - The third shoe and a ten-foot stack of pizza boxes have fallen on presidential candidate Herman Cain. For the last three days Mr. Cain, 65, has been tap dancing like a fool trying to stamp out the rekindled embers of sexual harassment charges brought against him by two women during his term as president of the National Restaurant Association (1996-1999).
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Nov 4, 2011, 09:00
President Obama Restores the Serial Comma to Federal Stylebook
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama is expected to sign an executive order today that will reinstate the rules regarding the use of the serial comma to the Federal Elements of Style, the official guidebook for matters of grammar and usage in federal documents. The signing, accompanied by virtually no fanfare, is typical of the low-key manner in which President Obama has gone about reversing many of the policies of his predecessor.
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Oct 26, 2011, 10:38
Rick Perry Says Animals Were Domesticated by Intelligent Design
MULESHOE, Texas - Governor Rick Perry told an audience at the First Evangelical Church of the Chosen Flock last night that schools in Texas should stop teaching "the heathen theory of domestication."
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Sep 7, 2011, 00:10
Text of Obama's Jobs Speech Leaked
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The text of President Obama's major address about jobs, scheduled to be delivered before a joint session of Congress Thursday night, has been obtained by the Washington Post's Bob Woodward.
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Sep 6, 2011, 14:30
President Obama Set to Renew Inaugural Vow
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an effort to revive his flagging presidency, Barack Obama plans to renew his oath of office in a special bipartisan ceremony to be held at the Washington Monument early this spring.
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Feb 26, 2010, 16:57
Patrick Kennedy Retires to Spend More Time on Facebook
PROVIDENCE, R.I. - Patrick Joseph Kennedy II, who has represented Rhode Island's 1st congressional district since 1995, announced earlier this week that he would not seek reelection. Mr. Kennedy, 42, has wrestled with alcoholism, bipolar disorder, and drug abuse, both recreational and prescription, since his student days at Rhode Island Community College.
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Feb 13, 2010, 10:38
Dick Cheney Blasts Americans for Letting Terrorists Win
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Former Vice President Dick Cheney blamed Americans yesterday for "being in bed with" terrorists. "The people of this nation are as much to blame as their pusillanimous, light-skinned president for delivering the head of democracy to the terrorists on a silver platter," said Mr. Cheney when he appeared before the steering committee of the American Tea Party.
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Jan 10, 2010, 11:46
Obama Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions
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Dec 29, 2009, 07:57
President Obama Vows to Take On Gravity Shortfall
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces "a critical shortfall of gravity" brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past.
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Feb 17, 2009, 18:26
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
1. Religion
2. Voting
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7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
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