The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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President Obama Vows to Take On Gravity Shortfall
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President Barack Obama warned yesterday that the United States faces “a critical shortfall of gravity” brought on by the failed gravitational policies of the past.
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Feb 17, 2009, 18:26
Obama Nominates Paris Hilton as Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In one of his most daring acts since he was installed as president, Barack Obama announced today that he was nominating hotel heiress Paris Hilton for the newly created post of Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue.
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Feb 12, 2009, 15:27
Blagojevich's Hair Inspires New Vetting Rules
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The corruption scandal surrounding Illinois governor, Rod Blagojevich, has had an impact on the political process already: the rules for vetting candidates vying for political positions will soon be updated to include consideration of a candidate's hair. Some say the change is long overdue.
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Dec 19, 2008, 10:23
Britney Spears Not Working, Hillary Clinton Calls for Withdrawal
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Britney Spears is not working, says Democratic presidential frontrunner, Hillary Clinton, and its time to withdraw support for the fallen pop star, no matter what General David Petraeus says.
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Sep 12, 2007, 11:57
Larry Craig Hires Michael Vick’s Lawyer to Beat Cockfighting Charges
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig (R-Teahouse) has retained Michael Vick’s attorney Billy Martin to represent him in a fight to clear his name and to regain his seat in the Senate.
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Sep 5, 2007, 10:22
Larry Craig Wants Toilet Cams in Airport Restrooms
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.”
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Aug 31, 2007, 09:00
Senator Craig: I Am Not Gay, I Just Act Gay in Restrooms
BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to behave gay in public restrooms.
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Aug 29, 2007, 08:29
Al Gore Believes Son’s Arrest Will Launch Dynasty
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Former Vice President Al Gore announced today that he believes the guilty plea entered by his son, Al III, yesterday is the kick-start the Gore family needs to become an American political dynasty like the Bushes and the Kennedys.
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Jul 31, 2007, 09:10
David Vitter Returns to the Senate This Week
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who has been in seclusion since he acknowledged one week ago that his name was linked to phone records of Deborah Jean Palfrey, the D.C. madam, will soon return to Washington for votes in the Senate, his office confirmed Sunday.
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Jul 16, 2007, 09:52
Sopranos Ending Debated by Republican Presidential Candidates
QUEENS, N.Y. – The ending of “Made in America,” the final episode of The Sopranos, was the sole topic of discussion last night at a debate among the Republican presidential candidates.
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Jun 14, 2007, 08:22
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