Your Almost Daily Horoscope
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 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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Ashton Kutcher Looking for Older Woman
HOLLYWOOD - The young clam that Ashton Kutcher allegedly shucked on his sixth wedding anniversary last weekend was just a beard, a decoy meant to throw inquiring minds off the scent of the woman he really craves: a woman of a certain age. In Mr. Kutcher's case, that age appears to be north of sixty.
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Oct 1, 2011, 20:53
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes Mounting Remake of Don Quixote
HOLLYWOOD - In conjunction with what would have been Miguel de Cervantes' 464th birthday, Tom Cruise has scheduled a press conference for this afternoon. Sources close to Mr. Cruise claim he will announce that work will begin soon on a major project—turning Miguel de Cervantes' Don Quixote into an action movie.
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Sep 29, 2011, 15:36
Scarlett Johansson's Ass to Star in American Express Ad
NEW YORK - Scarlett Johansson's ass and American Express: the perfect fit. Ms. Johansson never leaves home without them.
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Sep 17, 2011, 12:03
Gwyneth Paltrow Talks Breast Correction Surgery at U.N.
NEW YORK - Gwyneth Paltrow is scheduled to take her campaign for breast-correction surgery to the United Nations next week. There the maven of GOOP will address the U.N.'s Committee on the Elimination of Discrimination against Women. She is expected to announce her plans to raise money to provide free corrective surgery for women in Third World countries who have suffered "the heartbreaking physical effects" of breast-feeding their children.
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Aug 24, 2011, 12:38
E-Trade Sues Lindsay Lohan for Damages
NEW YORK - E-Trade has filed a countersuit against Lindsay Lohan, seeking $100 million in damages for what it calls "malicious and damaging association." The suit, filed yesterday in a Manhattan court, charges that the former actress and singer did irreversable damage to E-Trade's reputation by claiming that the "milkaholic" baby named Lindsay in a recent E-Trade commercial is based on Ms. Lohan.
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Mar 11, 2010, 07:13
Jennifer Aniston's Retarded Names for Her New Fragrance
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Jennifer Aniston will launch her first branded perfume any second now. The super scent has been nearly two years in the making. Countless beavers, deer, and sperm whales have been sacrificed for the cause. Acres of parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme have been harvested, crushed, and boiled in a huge cauldron. The only ingredient missing is a name.
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Mar 7, 2010, 12:39
Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar
LOS ANGELES - The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as one can get—Benny Hanna, manager of the popular eatery, informed the mountainous director of the decision by e-mail yesterday
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Feb 17, 2010, 09:08
The Real Reason Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend Split
LOS ANGELES - Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States.
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Feb 11, 2010, 09:46
Charlie Sheen Questioned about His Missing Mercedes
LOS ANGELES - Actor Charlie Sheen is "a person of interest" in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen's Hollywood home yesterday afternoon.
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Feb 6, 2010, 10:21
Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt
LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some.
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Feb 3, 2010, 09:49
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
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