Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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Julia Roberts Retiring Suit Against Her Breasts
TAOS, N.M. - Julia Roberts has quietly dropped a landmark civil lawsuit she had filed against her breasts. The suit, filed in Taos Municipal Court in late March, charged that Roberts' hooters, which had grown from a 34-B to a 38-D since she gave birth to twins last year, not only inflicted personal hardship and misery but also constituted a material infringement on her ability to pursue her art. Worse yet, they made finding a suitable dress for this year's Oscars almost impossible.
More.
Aug 12, 2005, 06:56
Jackson Jury Told The Aristocrats Joke
NEW YORK - Eleanor Cook and Ray Hultman, two jurors who voted to acquit Michael Jackson of child molestation charges earlier this year, have admitted that while the members of the jury were supposed to be considering the merits of the charges against Jackson, they were making up versions of "The Aristocrats" joke instead.
More.
Aug 6, 2005, 12:02
Brad Pitt Expanding Angelina Jolie Rumors Hotline
HOLLYWOOD - Brad Pitt is expected to announce on Meet the Press Sunday the impending launch of Bradgelina 2.0, the updated version of his wildly popular rumors hotline. Beginning at 9:00 a.m. (EDST) on Thursday August 11, concerned Pitt fans who dial 1-900-NOT-TRUE will be able to hear Pitt deny in his own voice an entire new set of rumors being circulated about him and Angelina Jolie.
More.
Aug 5, 2005, 10:15
Lindsay Lohan Ditches Herbie at London Premiere
LONDON - Lindsay Lohan managed to infuriate her studio, her co-star, her fashion providers, and legions of her emaciated fans by skipping out on the premiere of Herbie: Fully Loaded in London last night. Lohan was a no-show at a Leicester Square theater, where hundreds of anorexic look-alikes huddled for warmth in bone-rattling proximity while waiting to greet their idol.
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Jul 29, 2005, 10:52
Brad Pitt Angelina Jolie Deny Living Together
MALIBU - Spokespersons for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have issued a joint communique denying that their clients are living together. "Despite certain physical evidence that might normally indicate two persons are cohabitating," the communique began, "Angelina is simply staying with Brad while he continues to recover from his recent life-threatening attack of meningitis. She is not living with him in the biblical sense of the term."
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Jul 29, 2005, 07:46
Jeremy Piven Is Bank Teller's Inspiration
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Jeremy Piven, who has played sidekicks and eccentrics in more than three dozen films during the last nineteen years, is local bank teller Richard Dean's inspiration.
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Jul 25, 2005, 14:45
Brad Pitt Makes Scrutinized Public Appearance
BEVERLY HILLS - Brad Pitt made a run-of-the-mill, buss-and-bolt appearance at the annual Hollywood Foreign Press Association luncheon Wednesday.
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Jul 22, 2005, 08:11
Jude Law Apologizes to a Burnt Sienna Miller Again
LONDON - Jude Law, fresh off his wrenchingly public Sunday apology to ex-fiancee Sienna Miller, has issued a second mea culpa to her for seducing Daisy Wright, the nanny of one of his children. This time around Law, 32, has also apologized to Ms. Miller's mother, his ex-wife Sadie Frost, and his three kids. Law also apologized specifically for calling the child who caught him in bed with Wright "a stinking liar."
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Jul 20, 2005, 10:06
Jude Law Apologies for Seducing the Nanny
LONDON - A distraught and groveling Jude Law apologized publicly to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller, after she had read a newspaper article claiming that Law "was having it away" with his children's nanny.
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Jul 18, 2005, 09:41
Brad Pitt Hospitalized with Jennifer Aniston Symptoms
LOS ANGELES - Three days after Jennifer Aniston had collapsed on the set of The Breakup in Chicago, a bloated and barely recognizable Brad Pitt was admitted to an undisclosed Los Angeles area hospital with symptoms identical to those troubling his estranged wife: nausea, double vision, gas, and headaches.
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Jul 13, 2005, 08:13
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
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