Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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Kevin Smith Made to Purchase Two Seats at Sushi Bar
LOS ANGELES - The next time Kevin Smith visits If It Smells Like Fish, his favorite sushi bar in L.A., he will have to purchase two seats. According to a source close to Mr. Smith—or as close to him as one can get—Benny Hanna, manager of the popular eatery, informed the mountainous director of the decision by e-mail yesterday
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Feb 17, 2010, 09:08
The Real Reason Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend Split
LOS ANGELES - Nearly four years ago Charlize Theron told members of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) that she would not get married until gay marriage is legal in the United States.
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Feb 11, 2010, 09:46
Charlie Sheen Questioned about His Missing Mercedes
LOS ANGELES - Actor Charlie Sheen is "a person of interest" in the brutal attack on his Mercedes-Benz, according to Los Angeles police. The 2009 Mercedes, a four-door black sedan, was found on its roof at the bottom of a four-hundred-foot ravine near Mr. Sheen's Hollywood home yesterday afternoon.
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Feb 6, 2010, 10:21
Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that "Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me."
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Feb 2, 2010, 13:17
Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons
NASHVILLE - Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later. As usual she plans to write a song for the occasion.
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Jan 13, 2010, 16:53
Britney Spears Released from Hospital After Son Takes Her Hostage
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears was released from the hospital Saturday, a little more than twenty-four hours after being admitted. The beloved pop star had been rushed to Cedars Sinai Medical Center following a tense night in which she had been held hostage in her home by her football-headed son, Jayden James.
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Jan 6, 2008, 09:35
Britney Spears Is the Antichrist for Real
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears warned us last year in words as plain as the three 6's scrawled with a black magic marker on her shaven head: "I am the Antichrist." As though to underscore her claim, Ms. Spears ran around stark raving naked in rehab, scrawling misspelled obscenities on the walls with her own feces.
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Jan 4, 2008, 16:41
Will Smith Denounced by JDL for Saying Hitler Was Probably Human
LOS ANGELES - Actor, rapper, and Tom Cruise butt buddy Will Smith got royally tarred and feathered by the JDL (Jewish Defense League) for advancing the theory that Adolph Hitler, despite his record, may have been human.
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Dec 26, 2007, 11:00
Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Pregnant as Surrogate for Britney
BUMFUCH, La. - Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there's anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old.
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Dec 19, 2007, 10:19
Britney Spears Hires Illegal Alien Frappuccino Caddy
MALIBU - Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.
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Dec 16, 2007, 13:26
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PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
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