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Through a rare but infrequent case of cross-mutation, your zip code and DNA will be transformed, and you will be seized with an overwhelming urge to open fire on your coworkers. By wetting your finger and pressing it onto an electric socket, you can transfer the effects of that mutation into an urge to dress like Lady GaGa.

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Kirstie Alley Pimps Organic Scientology Diet on Oprah
HOLLYWOOD - Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison.
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Feb 28, 2010, 11:04


Parental Controls Fail: Porn, Stupid TV, Cooking Shows Still Dominate
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Despite their widespread use, parental controls have been a disappointment as a means of empowering children to control their parents' Internet and television viewing.
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Nov 15, 2009, 09:32


Will Smith to Play Barack Obama in Fresh Prince of D.C.
LOS ANGELES – Will Smith Productions has announced that founder and HMFIC, Will Smith, will play President Barack Obama in a television series entitled The Fresh Prince of D.C., which is scheduled to debut on CoLoursTV in the fall.
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Feb 22, 2009, 11:13


Jerry Lewis Apologizes to Illiterates Everywhere
LOS ANGELES – Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday “to illiterates everywhere” for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon.
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Sep 5, 2007, 07:21


Posh Spice Replacing Katie Couric at CBS Evening News
NEW YORK – Reality television icon Victoria Beckham, known to her legions of fans as Posh Spice, has been tapped to replace Katie Couric behind the anchor desk of the CBS Evening News.
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Jul 17, 2007, 07:36


Tony Soprano Sighting Reported in New Jersey
NEWARK, N.J. – Tony Soprano was sighted late Tuesday night leaving Satin Dolls, the gentlemen's club on Route 17 in Lodi, New Jersey, where scenes that took place at the Bada Bing strip joint in The Sopranos had been filmed.
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Jun 13, 2007, 08:02


Big Love Season Two Opens without Long-awaited Foursome
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - HBO's squeaky clean polygamy series, Big Love, opened its second season last night without the long-awaited foursome that kept this reviewer and many of his friends glued to their lounge chairs on Sunday nights for the entire first season.
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Jun 12, 2007, 21:54


A&E Promises Better Sopranos Ending
NEW YORK – An executive for the A&E Television Network promises that its version of The Sopranos final episode, “Made in America,” originally broadcast on HBO last Sunday, “will be much more satisfying” than David Chase’s ambiguous closing that left so many viewers with their skivvies up their cracks.
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Jun 12, 2007, 12:05


Rudy Giuliani Dies in Sopranos Final Episode
NEW YORK - Republican presidential candidate Rudolph “Rudy the Skull” Giuliani meets an untimely fate in the final episode of The Sopranos. The former New York mayor is gunned down while dining at Umberto’s, a restaurant popular with mobsters, in the city’s Little Italy section.
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Jun 5, 2007, 09:08


Big Love Ends without Long Anticipated Foursome
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - HBO's blockbuster series Big Love ended its first season last night without the long-anticipated foursome that has kept me and many of my buds glued to our lounge chairs on Sunday nights.
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Jun 5, 2006, 09:08




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