The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Undecided Voters Receive Thinking Caps from Federal Government
The Federal Election Commission announced today that it has completed distributing thousands of thinking caps to undecided voters in all 50 states and to ex-patriots across Europe and Canada.
More.
Nov 1, 2008, 10:12
John McCain Blows Face Off in Final Debate
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Facial tics told the tale during last night’s third and final presidential debate between senators Barack Obama and John McCain. More precisely, Senator McCain’s face betrayed a variety of emotions and hidden personae, all struggling in vain to stay hidden.
More.
Oct 16, 2008, 13:03
Meet Joe the Plumber
TOLEDO, Ohio - Someone named Joe the Plumber was mentioned nearly two dozen times in last night's third and final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain.
More.
Oct 16, 2008, 08:22
John McCain Dumps Sarah Palin for Her Pregnant Daughter, Bristol
WASILLA, Ak. -- In a last-ditch effort to appeal to the coveted base of evangelical voters, the McCain campaign has replaced vice-presidential running mate, Sarah Palin, with her daughter and pregnant teen, Bristol.
More.
Oct 15, 2008, 11:16
John McCain Having "My Friends" Over for Dinner Next Tuesday
SEDONA, Arizona - Senator John McCain, known for his folksy "my friends" tag all throughout the presidential campaign, is making good on that salutation by inviting everyone whom he's ever called "my friend" over for a festive pig roast next Tuesday night, starting at 6 p.m. Eastern Standard Time.
More.
Oct 13, 2008, 11:47
John McCain Vows to Pardon O.J. Simpson
SEDONA, Arizona – Republican presidential nominee John McCain said yesterday that if he is elected, he will “reach across the aisle to my friends in the colored community” by pardoning O.J. Simpson.
More.
Oct 7, 2008, 10:13
Sarah Palin Suspends Campaign, Cancels Debate
SEDONA, Arizona – Republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, announced last night that “because of this darn economic thing and, you know, all kinds of other crazy stuff goin’ on,” she is suspending her campaign immediately—and bowing out of tomorrow night’s debate with Joe Biden—to return to Alaska, “for breast awareness month.”
More.
Oct 1, 2008, 11:17
Barack Obama Gets Endorsement from Edwards’ Hair Stylist
BEVERLY HILLS, Calif. - In what is certainly a tremendous boost to Senator Barack Obama’s quest to win over the “hard-working, blue-collar vote,” John Edwards’ hairstylist Joseph Torrenueva has declared that Obama has “workingman’s hair.”
More.
May 28, 2008, 12:42
Hillary’s Tits at Odds over Campaign Strategy
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The mood swings and contradictory statements that have characterized Hillary Clinton’s campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination can be traced to the senator’s breasts, according to one insider.
More.
May 14, 2008, 11:48
Obama Gets Down to Connect with Voters
WASHINGTON, D.C. - In preparation for the upcoming presidential primaries in Oregon and Kentucky, Barack Obama made appearances at local sports venues in those states in an attempt to shed his elitist image and to appeal to the common man.
More.
May 11, 2008, 09:34
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