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Your Horoscope
Week of November 25
(Ramp Accessible) . . . because you are entitled not only to your own truth but also to your own predictions
The astrological stylings of the Autistic Astrologer. If you don't like your forecast, he will stick his fingers in his ears, stamp his feet, and hum loudly.

Cancer (June 22–July 22) You say everyone but your creditors and your parole officer forgot your birthday? Don't let other people's selfish preoccupations with their lives spoil the party. Send yourself an anonymous e-mail, agree to meet the sender for dinner, and don't be shy about giving it up on the first date. If you don't have a birthday this week, send an anonymous birthday card and a pound of fudge to someone who does. It's better to be a gift horse than a horse's ass.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Paper is the weighted force in your dominant quarry. Will you get a letter from a loved one? Or will you suffer the slings and arrows of a thousand paper cuts? Why are you asking me? I'm not an astrologer. I merely play one on a web site. I can tell you that rock blunts scissors, scissors cut paper, and paper covers rock—and that two-ply is better than one if you're seized by a sudden urge to make out your will while you're taking a dump.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) The oracles at Delphi, Microsoft, and Graceland suggest that any major decisions you make in the near term be guided by the following maxim: Half a loaf is better than none only when the sum of the hypotenuse is greater than or equal to the hexadecimal value of burnt orange. If you must color your world, color it something that doesn't clash with your aura, which runs to earth tones. Anything red—be it wine, underwear, or meat—could be misinterpreted by those closest to you, including yourself.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) You will have a recurring dream in which you travel to a strange land where the temperature is always a prime number; but on the day you arrive, the thermometer will read 80 degrees. Fearing the wrath of their gods, the inhabitants of that strange land will remove all the vowels from their alphabet. Thn th sht wll ht th fn.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) You are the sort of underachiever who started out with nothing and still has most of it. Recently American Express sent you a preapproved credit card and a letter that began, "Don't leave home with it." You live each day as if it were your last, then you wake up the next morning disappointed. Be patient. Don't chase your dreams. Let them chase you. While you're waiting, explore the wonders of performance art: enter your eyebrows in a topiary contest

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) During a reenactment of Pickett’s ill-considered charge at the Battle of Gettysburg you discover a document that proves Lincoln plagiarized the Gettysburg Address from a Bull Run Life, Casualty and Cow Theft brochure. Instead of making you rich, your discovery brings you nothing but calumny and venom, and you will find it impossible to get insurance.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) A palm reader named Madam Velveeta tells you to imagine that you are your favorite pet. Then she tells you to imagine that you have fallen asleep and you are dreaming. When you wake up, you vow never to let the dog sleep in your bed again.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your attempt to patent yourself meets with failure and ridicule when a panel of scientific experts declares there is nothing original about you. Before seeking prominence in the world, you should work on becoming a household word in your own house. Start tomorrow by wearing a name tag to breakfast.

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Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) This week the things that turn you on turn on you. What’s more, you are haunted by a sepulchral voice that moans, “Humpty Dumpty died for your sins.” When you go for a drive to clear your head, you notice the following sticker: “Objects seen in the rearview mirror may not necessarily be real.” Such is the price you pay for your artistic leanings. Observe the speed limit for the time being and resist the temptation to think of yourself in the third person.

Aries (March 21–April 19) Your discovery of the key to eternal happiness is tempered somewhat by the concomitant discovery that an incubus has changed the locks on all the doors in the Gilded Palace of Carnal Delights and Untold Riches. You grudgingly settle for a Motel 6 with free HBO and local calls.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your fondness for irony mutates into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turns you into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication makes you hack and sputter like a flooded outboard motor. Deodorant produces a rancid, road-kill aroma about your personal zones. I'd lay off the Beano, contraceptive devices, and hemorrhoid preparations if I were you. Focus on treating the illness not its symptoms. Begin by understanding the difference between "irony" and "coincidence." If time permits, work on the difference between "imply" and "infer."

Gemini (May 21–June 21) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as Al Ninyo. Then let your imagination and your feet run wild.


Deplorably Speaking: A Righteous Blog
Our deplorable editor in briefs holds forth on a variety of topics from the ruination of sports to the frog-marching of male college students to the idiocies of third-wave feminism to whatever.
The Grammar Prick

Meaner than a powdery-smelling, dried-up, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive. Visit The Grammar Prick


Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.

Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-

image of a gun

Trigger warning! The content of this website may cause raging panic attacks in hypersensitive snowflakes who suffer from androphobia, galactophobia, emetophobia, corprophobia, claustrophobia, fear of taints, and other psycho-sexual maladies too numerous and frightening to mention.

Lena Van Haren of Everett Middle School Is Ass Hat of the Week
SAN FRANCISCO—Just when you think progressives couldn't possibly do anything more batshit than some of the batshit things they've done already, along comes some batshit progressive with her head up her ass crashing headlong into the walls of common sense, decency, right thinking, and civic fucking responsibility. That headless horseperson would be Lena Van Haren, principal at Everett Middle School in San Francisco, proud sanctuary city by the bay.
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Oct 21, 2015 - 12:25


DeGeneres Wins Asshat Award Again
Ellen DeGeneres, with a face only a lesbian could love, has planted that face, and the head to which it is attached, firmly up her ass again. Miss DeGeneres, a putative vegan, has been outed by several animal-advocacy groups because her new ED lifestyle clothing line is being expanded to accommodate shit like suede Grace ankle boots ($250) and the Patty Point Toe cashmere fuck-me pump ($230). The latter features a leather insole lining.
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Sep 15, 2015 - 1:26


Miley Cyrus Hater Mika Brzezinski Wins This Week's Ass Hat Award
Miley Cyrus, whose panties were too tight to bunch during her performance at the VMA awards, caused a lot of old biddies of all ages and sexes, particularly Mika Brzezinski, to react as though they had just been given the mother of all mental wedgies by Ms. Cyrus' singing and dancing.
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Aug 27, 2013 - 12:18


Oprah Stomps Her Way to This Week's Ass Hat Award
Oprah Winfrey gave away a car on Jimmy Kimmel's show last night in a transparent attempt to deflect attention from her failed transparent attempt to draw attention to her new movie, something or other about some butler. As an exercise in hey-look-at-me tone deafness . . .
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Aug 16, 2013 - 11:32


Stevie Wonder Wins Trayvon Martin Ass Hat Award
WEST CHESTER, Pa. - Racial harmony in the United States may not be receding in the rear view mirror of life so much as one might imagine in these post-Trayvon-Martin times.
More.
Jul 17, 2013 - 10:09


Taco Bell Wins Asshat Award
WEST CHESTER, Penna. -- We take no pleasure in bestowing this week's asshat award on Taco Bell, which recently bent over frontwards to accommodate a bunch of meddlesome old shits of both sexes at the Center for Science in the Public Interest (CSPI).
More.
Jan 29, 2013 - 12:52




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