Your Almost Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 You suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with your own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. People who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Companies that advertise in the backs of magazines are ready to assist in this transformation. If there are compelling personal reasons for not changing your identity, perhaps a trip to a spa for a simple makeover will do the trick.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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Your Daniel Boone, Marie-Antoinette, k.d. lang Holy Shit Horoscope
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - An iconic frontiersman, a French queen with attitude, and an odd-looking weasel are your strange, astrological bedfellows. One gave us Boonesborough, Kentucky; one gave us a cliché; and the other gave us pause.
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Nov 2, 2011, 10:15
Your Snoop Dogg, Grandpa Jones Asshole Buddies Birthday Horoscope
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Born today you share a birthday—and, if you're lucky, some birthday brownies—with rapper and human bong hit Snoop Doggy Dogg.
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Oct 20, 2011, 08:16
The Official Mira Sorvino, Not Mena Suvari Horoscope Quiz
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Mira Sorvino, who won an Academy Award for her 1995 performance in Woody Allen's Mighty Aphrodite, is forty-one today. Four years after winning that Oscar—for best supporting actress—Ms.Sorvino saw her career take a turn for the crappy when Mena Suvari threw down a breakout performance in American Beauty. After that nobody could tell the two actresses apart without a DNA sample because of the similarities in their names.
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Sep 28, 2011, 16:18
Stephen King, Luke Wilson, Nicole Richie Birthday and Height Horoscopes
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Born today you share a birthday and certain disquieting tendencies with author Stephen King, 64, actor Luke Wilson, 40, and celebrity Nicole Richie, 30. Perhaps you are also the same height as one of these stars, a trait whose significance is frequently overlooked by lesser astrologers.
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Sep 21, 2011, 11:07
Heidi Montag's Surgically Enhanced Birthday Horoscope
HOLLYWOOD - Born today you share a birthday with actress Heidi Montag—at least with her original parts. A former star of The Hills, Ms. Montag has had boob jobs, nose jobs, and a brow job. She has had her ass overhauled, the fat sucked out of her stomach and thighs, and other body and fender work--including a record ten procedures in one day.
More.
Sep 15, 2011, 12:25
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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or it will follow you home.
PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT
Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno did not die of a broken heart, as many of his delusional followers are claiming. He died of a guilty conscience. Anybody who says otherwise is a toadying douchebag.
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