STAFF PICKS
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Whether you do it doggie style or scissors, sister, we've got suggestions for what to read when you're having a cigarette or a blunt afterward ...
The Book of Daze℠
Who gives a shit about National Bubble Bath Day? We don't. National Take Your Grand Kid Out to Lunch Day? Fuck that, and your grand kid, too. For the really fun days, the ones that nobody else has the imagination to celebrate, days like National Ain't Woke, Do Not Disturb Day℠, National Ignore the Ban on Plastic Straws Day℠, and others visit . . .
The Book of Daze℠.
Your Virtual GanjaScope
A half-century's worth of smoking pot has led us to conclude that horoscopes are more fun and more accurate when you're stoned...and they're even better when the person who wrote them was stoned, too. If you're looking to turn over a new leaf, visit
GanjaScope.
The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a 250-pound lesbian Language Arts teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive, dangle a participle, or dare to misuse
penultimate.
Visit The Grammar Prick.
There's a Saint for That
There's a saint in every pot, and a prayer card for every condition. Just tell us where it hurts you, and we'll tell you whom to call and where to send your donations.
Let us pray.
Here's to a Brighter Day
Brights neither seek nor accept any supernatural "explanations" for life. If that sounds like a bright idea to you, click
here.
America Rocked by Assault on Capitol Decor
Last Wednesday afternoon a mob of Trump supporters, many of them armed, was roaming about the Senate floor and the Capitol Rotunda looking for souvenirs and a spot of bother, having recently stormed past "security" guards and police on the east and west sides of the building.
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AMA Dropping Elitist Foreign Names for Phobias
American Medical Association (AMA) board member Deter Camel, MD, MPH, HMFIC, ended weeks of speculation when he announced yesterday that the association will discontinue its practice of giving "elitist foreign names" to phobias. Dr. Camel made the announcement during his weekly radio address, which is broadcast live to AMA members in operating rooms throughout the United States.
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Local SPCA Rescues 250 Pug Dog Figurines
Acting on a tip from a local animal rights activist, police and SPCA officers raided the home of longtime pug figurine collector Dotsie Kerrigan, 67, yesterday. As horrified neighbors in the exclusive development of Chadds Ford Knoll looked on, police removed more than 250 pug figurines from Kerrigan's $850,000 mock Tudor house.
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Study Finds that Shadows Lead Lives of Quiet Desperation
A study conducted recently by the University of Chicago suggests that shadows lead flat, unfulfilling lives. According to the study—based on observations of shadows in thirty-seven states—shadows do not exhibit characteristics associated with a satisfactory existence.
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CFA Says Tiger Is Most Popular Cat Password
According to The Cat Fanciers' Association (CFA), the world's largest registry of pedigreed cats, the cat name used most frequently as a computer password among its members is Tiger. People who believe that registering and showing cats is even more futile that herding them predict that such members may have litter in their caprese.
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Suspend 3-Second Rule During Pandemic, Warns Dr. Fauci
The federal three-second guideline, which warns anyone against picking up food and eating it more than three seconds after it has been dropped, should be suspended for the remainder of the current pandemic, according to Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.
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Biden Vows to Investigate Alarming Rise in GPS Malfunctions
President-elect Joseph R. Biden announced yesterday that “on Day One” he would ask the Department of Homeland Security to investigate an alarming rise in GPS malfunctions. Although he stopped short of suggesting a link between terrorists and the rash of travelers who wound up as many as five hundred miles off course after following aggressive GPS instructions, the president-elect did say that such incidents could undermine America’s economic recovery.
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President Trump Grants Emergency Sick Days to COVID-19 Victims
President Trump is expected to sign a presidential order intended to alleviate the suffering of COVID-19 victims in the battered Dakotas region. Hurrying into the White House, wearing a defiant yellow slicker on his return from a golf outing yesterday afternoon, the president announced he would authorize that “up to ten additional days of unpaid sick leave be granted to people who cannot report to their jobs on account of COVID-19.
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Weighted-Blanket Death Syndrome on the Rise
A seventy-five-year-old woman, whose name was being withheld at press time, was found dead in her apartment yesterday afternoon, trapped by the weighted blanket under which she had been pinned for some time. Neighbors, who had not seen the woman for several days, alerted local police, who performed a wellness check, only to discover that things had not gone well for the unfortunate woman.
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NSA Blames Vague Terror Warning on Inability to Decode Pig Latin
An unnamed official with the National Security Agency (NSA) said that the organization's recent vague terror warning—"We are positive that somebody, somewhere is planning something against the United Stares at some point in the future"—is an "unavoidable function" of the NSA's "current systemic inability" to decode spoken Pig Latin.
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Trump Buttigieg Tweet Sets Internet on Fire
President Trump took time from his death match Twitter smackdown with Michael Bloomberg to post the following tweet early this morning, "Is Mayor Pete a pitcher or a catcher? Enquiring voters want to know." (In male homosexual encounters the person who performs in the female role is known as the "catcher" because he is on the receiving end of the "pitcher's" attentions.)
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Keister Family Tired of Being Butt of Jokes
Ron and Linda Keister of Livonia have filed a civil suit against their next door neighbor Tim Dryzinski. The Keisters seek $275,000 in damages from Mr. Dryzinski "because he has ignored repeated requests to stop making fun of us and our last name."
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© The fine fucking print: The editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for satirical and/or entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously. We also do not wish to be held responsible for any copyrighted material that sneaked onto this page when we weren't looking. If you can prove that anything on this page belongs rightfully to you, we will happily take it down and return the unused portion. No questions asked.
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The Pug Bus Blogs On
Our editor in briefs holds forth on why he doesn't want to be called a white person; the evil that is Mick Jagger; the rise of the alt-middle; and more!"
Yesterdays' Papers
Read any two of these classic articles from May 2005 and get the third one for free. Pay only for shipping and handling. Offer good while supplies last.
Local News
West Chester, PA, is home to a public-embarrassment Jackass has-been; a woke university; and the goddamn QVC shopping headquarters. That should be good for a mean-spirited, condescending local news story from time to time.
Pug Bus Quizzes 'n' Polls
No rhetorical questions allowed. No penalties for guessing wrong. Find out just how much you do know about Schrödinger’s cat and other neat shit."
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website was written by someone who was actually raised by pugs. Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand. Sample chapters . . . -1- -2-
You Can't Photoshop This
Some photos cannot be shopped. They are perfect just the way god made them. Such perfection does not happen by accident, and wise, indeed, is the man who says "you can't photoshop this."
The Pug Bus Interview
Enjoy the interviews nobody else has the sack to do. We aren't afraid to stop totally at the surface, because no matter how beautiful a person might be on the inside, you've still got to look at him or her when you're speaking to 'em.. Read on.
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