Musharraf Denies Bhutto Was Assassinated
By Ted Gay

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf maintained today that political rival Benazir Bhutto did not die a martyr’s death at an assassin’s hand. She died, instead, from massive trauma after banging her head on the sun roof of her car when she attempted to stand up before opening the roof.

Speaking to reporters in a rare news conference held in English, Mr. Musharraf declared, "I'm not a feudal and I'm not a tribal. I have been brought up in a very educated and civilized family which believes in values, which believes in principles, which believes in character and the serial comma.

“My family, by any imagination, is not a family which believes in killing people, assassinating, intriguing. We have long believed that assassination is a convenient cover-up for death by natural causes.”

To illustrate his point, Mr. Musharraf revealed details about other world figures who were reported to, but did not in fact, die a martyr’s death.

John F. Kennedy, “an American president in the mid-twentieth century,” did not die from a sharpshooter’s pinpoint rifle shot. Much like Ms. Bhutto, Mr. Kennedy died after hitting his head on an unforgiving object—the cranium of Texas governor John B. Connally—after Mr. Kennedy had been groped unexpectedly by his wife, Jackie.

Among the other non-martyrs identified by Mr. Musharraf were:

Abraham Lincoln, believed to have died from an assassin’s bullet one hundred years before Mr. Kennedy, died in fact of a cerebral hemorrhage after a particularly on-point witticism during My American Cousin, the play he was watching at the time he died.

Martin Luther King Jr., “a black man who lived during the 1960s, when most blacks were called ‘Negroes,’” died after slipping on a newly washed balcony floor, not after being shot by a bigoted white assassin. Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney quickly agreed with Mr. Musharraf’s account.

In perhaps his most shocking revelation, Mr. Musharraf explained that Elvis Presley did not die while trying to squeeze out a recalcitrant turd during a bowel movement. He was felled by a poisoned peanut-butter-and-banana sandwich slipped to him by the forerunners of Al Qaeda.

Ayman al-Zawahiri, Al Qaeda’s second in command, who has often clashed with Mr. Musharraf, most recently about whether Ms. Bhutto should be shot or blown into confetti, corroborated Mr. Musharraf’s account of the death of the King of Rock ’n’ Roll.

“We were just kids back then, into the burgeoning London punk rock scene,” said Mr. al-Zawahiri.

“We thought killing Elvis would turn the world’s attention to punk, but then The Clash went pop, and we began our fatwah against the West.

“But remember,” he cautioned, “without Al Qaeda there would be no Fall Out Boy.”