Pamela Anderson Goes Bust-to-Bust with Colonel Sanders
By J.D. Greene

FRANKFORT, Kentucky - Animal rights activist Pamela Anderson of Stacked and Baywatch fame is fronting a campaign to have the bust of KFC founder, Harlan Sanders, removed from the Kentucky state capitol.

In a press release issued through People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) recently, Ms. Anderson called the Kentucky native's likeness "a monument to original recipe cruelty" and vowed to appear topless at selected KFC outlets in order to protest the company's treatment of chickens.

In a separate letter to Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher, Ms. Anderson claimed that at least one supplier for the fast food chain engages in cruel and unusual treatment of chickens. According to Ms. Anderson, PETA has documented abuses at a slaughterhouse in West Virginia, where workers were filmed tearing the heads off live birds, spitting tobacco in their eyes, spray-painting their faces, and slamming them to the ground "while not wearing the OSHA-mandated hair nets."

The bust of Colonel Sanders in the Kentucky capitol.

The reaction to Ms. Anderson's charges was swift. Colonel T. Powers Foote, communications director for Governor Fletcher, called Ms. Anderson "a redneck-baiting carpetbagger."

"We're tired of Yankees and Left Coast liberals with a prejudice against Southerners trying to defame the colonel," said Colonel Foote. "The colonel would no more have tolerated cruelty to chickens than he would have included the KKK in his will."

Colonel Sanders died in 1980 at the age of ninety, sixteen years after he had sold his entire interest in Kentucky Fried Chicken to a group of investors for $2 million. A long-standing and never-proven urban legend has it that Colonel Sanders left 10 percent of his profit from the sale of Kentucky Fried Chicken to the KKK.

Pamela Anderson maintains chicken watch at West Virginia plant.

"That's balderdash," said Colonel Foote. "Harlan Sanders is a beloved man in Kentucky, someone who exemplifies the best of our state. The governor has no intention of moving Colonel Sanders' statue. If we were going to move it, we'd move it to a more prominent position where more people could see it, like the trophy case at Rupp arena."

Colonel Laurie Schalow, spokes-
woman for the Louisville-based KFC chain, also criticized Ms. Anderson and PETA.

"This is a perfect example of blue state residents looking down their noses at homespun, patriotic red state values," said Schalow. "It's an obvious publicity stunt by PETA, who are determined to set up a vegan society.

"Colonel Sanders fought all his life to keep his chicken recipe a secret, and now some Linda Tripp wannabe with a video camera is threatening to expose how we do chicken right."

Unidentified PETA agent about to give Colonel Sanders a lap dance.

Ms. Anderson is a self-proclaimed reformed vegan—someone who eats meat only if it has been surgically removed from animals or found dead by the side of the road. Orthodox vegans do not eat meat under any circumstances.

Vegans are not to be confused with Scientologists, such as John Travolta and Kirsty Alley, who believe that animals were sent to Earth from the planet Vega in order to provide food for humans.

To Ms. Anderson's credit, she lets criticism of her motives roll off her like water off a duck's chest.

"I don't know why they're so afraid of me exposing myself," she said. "It's almost like they're chicken. Besides, if Kentucky was so proud of its chicken, why'd they change the name from Kentucky Fried Chicken to KFC?"

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