Courtesy of Postcards
Naomi Campbell Sentenced to Tour of Beauty
By Matthew Congdon
NEW YORK - After Naomi Campbell pleaded guilty this week to reckless assault in the third degree for injuring a former maid during an outburst of cell phone rage, it looked like bright orange jumpsuits and ankle bracelets where going to be all the rage come spring.
Not so fast, say lawyers for both sides, who have hammered out a deal that has the hotheaded supermodel giving up the front lines of fashion for the front lines of the war on terror.
Apparently what becomes a convicted catwalk legend most is cool camouflage, fierce fatigues, and a splash of Kevlar. Celebratty Chatter has learned that Ms. Campbell, 36, will soon be deployed to Baghdad to serve both her community service and her country.
But why forgo the usual punishment of highway garbage pick up and public toilet scrubbing?
"It's so been done already," says close friend and Vogue editor Anna Wintour. "I mean, did you see how unflattering that tangerine one-piece was on Boy George? Not only was this the perfect way to address those anger management issues, but military looks are really strong this season."
Lawyers for Ms. Campbell explained, "Naomi really wanted her sentence to involve international aid work, like the way Kate Moss has been helping all those farmers in Columbia.
"When the Army approached us, we were at bit apprehensive," the lawyers added, "but once Ms. Campbell heard that in Iraq she could use a semiautomatic and a rocket launcher, and could legally engage in hand-to-hand combat, she was in shock-and-awe heaven."
Sources at the Pentagon say the mounting resistance for the president's proposed surge is the real reason for the government's newfound passion for fashion.
"Let's face it," says one insider, "those additional troops are going to be hard to come by. We've been following this case pretty closely, and 20,000 troops is really equal to 500 troops plus one pissed off supermodel. She's really our secret weapon."
And what about the naysayers who claim this is just an excuse for a Vogue location shoot of Dolce and Gabbana cargos and Burberry cropped trench coats?
"Baghdad fashion week this ain't," insists Iraq top commander Lt. General George Casey, who described how Ms. Campbell has already proved herself a valuable asset.
"It's all in the motivation. We'll just tell her she's been waitlisted for the new Fendi Spy Bag and then let her loose in Tikrit. It'll be like Nam."
Another top sergeant told a similar story. "We'll give her sparkling water instead of flat, then just stand back and watch the bodies mount. Sadir City has never looked so faaabulous!"
Reps for the combat catwalker insist this is also proving a perfect image makeover, pointing to a recent endorsement offer from apple chief Steve Jobs.
"He feels Naomi is perfect to show how the new iPhone is indestructible. Even after multiple throws she's still able to pick it up and say 'Can you hear me now, bitch!'"
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