Jennifer Aniston Assails Trendy Adoptions
By Chip Hilton

"Here's how I'd hold my babies."

LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Aniston is mad as hell, and she's not going to take it any more. She's mad at her plastic surgeon, mad at the paparazzi, mad at Vince Vaughn, mad at Brad Pitt; but most of all she's mad at the likes of Angelina Jolie and Madonna for promoting the notion that it's terminally unhip to adopt anything but a Third World child.

"Charity begins at home," a visibly annoyed Ms. Aniston told THEM Weekly's Rod Bender. "With so many deserving American babies needing parents, I think it's selfish to ignore them just because you'll get more publicity by exploiting some Third World child for your own selfish agenda. Children aren't tattoos, you know."

Ms. Aniston revealed that she plans to counter what she calls "the offshore adoption craze" by adopting not one but two American babies in the near future. What's more she will match the adoptions of any "bona fide celebrities" who adopt American orphans.

"You heard me right," she said excitedly. "If Jessica Simpson or Paris Hilton adopts a white baby, I'll adopt one, too."

Asked how she would define a "bona fide celebrity," Ms. Aniston replied, "Anyone who's been on the cover of People or THEM or DirtNow more than ten times during the last year."

"Pick my baby. Pick my baby."

"I just can't stand by any longer and watch children be exploited by celebrities," said Ms. Aniston, "and I will not rest until every adoptable American baby has a home."

Then she dropped the bombshell.

"I think it's irresponsible for people like Brooke Shields and Britney Spears to continue having children when there are so many beautiful American babies being put to sleep each night in shelters and foster homes. That's why I'm going to address the Los Angeles County Council next month to propose a child-overpopulation ordinance that will limit the number of children celebrities are allowed to produce. I think one baby per household should be the limit.

"My determination not to add to the baby overpopulation problem has cost me two relationships, but so be it. Principles are more important to me than stretch marks any day."

In related news, Britney Spears announced that she was not going to "drop any more babies" until all the orphans in Malibu had been adopted.