Andy Reid Places Two Sons on Waivers
By Phil Maggitti

Coach Reid studies the menu at Wing Bowl XIII.

PHILADELPHIA - Andy Reid announced yesterday that he was placing his sons Garrett and Britt on waivers. As a result of Coach Reid's decision, neither Garrett Reid, 23, nor Britt Reid, 21, were able to participate in Wing Bowl XV, held today at Philadelphia's Wachovia Center.

Garrett Reid, a promising Buffalo Wings eater, was waived for violating the Reid family's heroin abuse policy. His brother Britt, who mostly played on special teams for the Reids' Munchin' Mormons squad, was waived for violating the family's road-rage policy. Both players, said Coach Reid, were to have participated in the Wing Bowl today.

"The boys know the rules," said a more taciturn than usual Coach Reid. "I've told them before that heroin and wing training don't mix. Neither does road rage and wing training. They're off the squad."

According to police, Garrett Reid confessed to being high on heroin when he charged through a red light at an excessive rate of speed Tuesday afternoon, totalling a woman's car in Plymouth Township, near Philadelphia.

Officials in West Conshohocken, also near Philadelphia, said that Britt Reid got into a heated argument with another driver earlier that day. The dispute, which police said was about one of the drivers being in the wrong lane, ended when Mr. Reid allegedly pointed a platinum-colored handgun at the other driver, smiled menacingly, and then sped off. The other driver managed to write down Mr. Reid's license-plate number and call the police.

"No, Dad, I'm Britt."

A police search of the Reid family home and training center Tuesday night netted a Remington shotgun, a handful of pills, eight plastic baggies with a white residue inside, a bottle filled with a green, leafy substance, ammunition, and dozens of pirated hip-hop CDs.

Sources close to the Reid family suggested that the pressure of appearing in the Wing Bowl was too much for the Reid boys to handle. As usual, however, Coach Reid put the blame for his sons' behavior squarely on his massive round shoulders.

"As head coach of this family I should have put my boys' heads in a position where they would have been able to succeed. Instead, they acted like their heads were up their butts. That's something I'll work on with my three other children in the future."

The Reid family's Munchin' Mormons were an eight-wing underdog in this year's Wing Bowl. Two years ago, in the family's first trip to the bowl, Coach Reid's adopted son, Donovan McNabb, threw up late in the fourth quarter, costing the team a potential come-from-behind victory.

In other Philadelphia suburban news, Delaware Senator Joe Biden apologized to fellow presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton for saying that she "looked as if she douched with Janitor in a Drum." The garrulous Delaware Senator said he only meant to compliment Ms. Clinton on her "sparkling personal appearance."