Britney Spears Shaved Head and Stuff to Save Her Children
By Chip Hilton

"Can you tell I got this wig at KMart?"

MALIBU - Britney Spears, bald as a baby's bum, arrived at the posh celebrity retreat Promises-by-the-Sea yesterday. Ms. Spears, who laughed that she was "nekkid from head to toe, all y'all," explained to reporters that she had shaved her head and other parts of her body because her estranged husband, Kevin Federline, had threatened to subpoena her hair for a drug test.

"Kevin wants to take my precious babies so's he can get child support and keep on making them crappy records," said Ms. Spears, "but I ain't about to let that happen—even if it means droppin' the kids off with my sister, Jamie Lynn, like I done before comin' over here. I'd sooner pay her the money for baby sittin' than to let Kevin piss it away."

Pausing to remove the price tag from her hot-pink top, Ms. Spears explained that she had shaved her "lady parts" in December on the advice of Paris Hilton.

"That beyotch told me the narcs go after your pubes when they want to take hair for a drug sample, so I let her and Lindsay shave me. Then I went out and made sure the paparazzi got a few beaver shots to let Kevin see his idea wasn't gonna work."

Thinking she was safe from having to "discriminate against myself in court," Ms. Spears continued drinking and, according to most rumors, snorting everything but the white lines on the Pacific Coast Highway. Then, on a sperm-of-the-moment visit to Eric Clapton's Tears in Heaven rehab centre in Antigua last week, Ms. Spears was asked to sumbit a hair sample during the induction procedure.

Pretty in pink.

"I dropped my skivvies and said, 'Ain't no hair to sample,'" said Ms. Spears, "but they told me some hair from my head would do, so I beat feet out of there and grabbed the first plane I could. I even flew economy class to save time."

When Ms. Spears arrived in L.A., she went to a beauty shop in Tarzana and asked to have her head shaved. The shop owner, thinking Ms. Spears was having a nervous breakdown, refused, so Ms. Spears grabbed the clipper and shaved herself.

Ms. Spears grew coy when she was asked how long she expected to stay at Promises-by-the-Sea.

"Oh, mebbe as long as three months if I have to," she purred.

According to forensic experts, hair samples cannot reveal drug use that occurred longer than three months ago.

"I'll tell you what though," Ms. Spears added, "I'm willin' to shave myself every day until my babies get through high school if necessary. Ain't no way Kevin's gettin' no hair sample offa me so's he can take my precious babies."

In other news, Hugh Grant denied that his on-set romance with Drew Barrymore during the filming of Music and Lyrics had anything to do with his breakup with Jemima Khan or with the film's disappointing opening last weekend.