Dick Cheney in Afghanistan Finally Sees Combat , Doesn't Like It
By Phil Maggitti

Vice president Cheney shortly after arriving in Bagram.

BAGRAM, Afghanistan - Vice president Dick Cheney got his first taste of combat today. It wasn't his cup of shrapnel. Mr. Cheney was having lunch in the private officers club at the sprawling Bagram Airbase, about 60 kilometers (40 miles) from Kabul, when a suicide bomber struck outside the first security gate of the base, killing nineteen people and wounding eleven others.

Qari Yousef Ahmadi, who claimed to be speaking on behalf of the Taliban, said that his group was responsible for the attack and that Mr. Cheney had been their target.

The vice president suffered only minor injuries during the attack, skinning his knees and bumping his head when he dove under a table in the mess hall. In addition the seat of his custom-fitted combat fatigues sustained several rips and some internal damage during his evasive action.

After the attack the vice president spoke to reporters over a secure telephone connection from a secret bunker inside the base.

"I thought I was going to have a heart attack," he said. "This cowardly assault on democracy validates my actions in seeking a series of deferments during the Vietnam conflict. I always maintained that I could have been injured in battle, and today's attack proves me right.

"This incident also proves that if we don't stop terrorists from attacking American politicians abroad, we'll have to stop them from attacking American politicians at home.

Vice president Cheney shortly before leaving Bagram.

"Let the word go forth from this time and place that nobody can say Dick Cheney hasn't seen combat. He has stared war in the face, and he is here to tell you, 'War is Hell.'

"He leaves immediately with a greater appreciation of the sacrifices made by the brave men and women who volunteer to fight for our freedom so that we and our children can get on with our lives. They deserve our respect, and those sniveling Democrats and other peace creeps ought to keep that in mind."

Reaction to the attack on the vice president was split along party lines.

"The attempt on the vice president's life proves that the Democrats' opposition to my surge initiative only serves to embolden our enemies," said President Bush.

Meanwhile Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama said his prayers were with Mr. Cheney, "because this attack reminds us all that George W. Bush is only a heartbeat away from the presidency."

In other news, the owner of the cemetery where Jesus' tomb was recently discovered says he plans "to sue somebody because the number of bones discovered in the tomb indicates that the Christ family violated the occupancy terms of its burial contract."