Dina Lohan Booted from View, Rosie O'Donnell Blamed
By Biff Scuzzy

"Gonna take your momma out all night . . ."

NEW YORK - Dina Lohan, mother of Lindsay Lohan, was scheduled to appear on The View yesterday, but she got the hook at the last moment. Was she ill? Is her daughter in rehab again? Did she remember that yesterday was the day she was supposed to address the United Nations? Inquiring minds clamored to know.

"None of the above," said The View's Rosie O'Donnell. "Basically she was cancelled because her head is in a bad space—up her ass."

Ms. O'Donnell hit the head on the nail this time, no gimme when your target presents like a breech-delivery turd.

If that sounds harsh, consider the evidence: Ms. Lohan, 44, the world's oldest living Valley Girl, can't say more than three sentences without tossing or touching her hair. She brags, without a trace of irony, that her daughter and her daughter's friends call her the White Oprah. She talks more rubbish than a garbage scow, including the revelation last fall that she would have her own talk show soon. (Girlfriend, Dick Clark will have his own talk show before you will.)

"It’s a girl-empowered, woman show," declared the former Rockette scientist, no longer a girl, but not yet a woman herself.

The wit and wisdom of Mama Lohan are on terrifying display in the April Harper's Bazaar, wherein she claims that her daughter, who has been in rehab and has an endowed chair at AA meetings, is not an alcoholic.

"Noooo! She is just a twenty-year-old who had to reel it in. And she's from an addictive personality genetically."

The child is mother of the woman.

Not only that, says the White Oprah, her daughter "trusts my judgment. She's in such a whirlwind; she's in a tornado. I mean, we're talking serious earthquake, you know?"

At the bottom of all this nature-nurture theory, one fact stands out: "We're just so misunderstood. I was in the business, and I'm going to help them. You don't like that? I'm living the American dream."

A daughter just out rehab, an ex-husband just out of jail—if that's the American dream, George W. Bush is a war hero.

In other news, Hillary Rodham Clinton says she will not "court the sympathy note" by discussing details of her husband's heart operation.