Courtesy of Postcards
Chocolate Jesus Penis Stolen, Display Canceled
By Biff Scuzzy
NEW YORK - Someone stole the penis from the nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where the exhibition was to have taken place.
A gallery official who announced the cancellation of the exhibit explained that there wasn't enough time to re-sculpt the missing part before tomorrow night.
"Jesus was big for his age," said Geoff Bolton, creative director at the gallery. "You didn't find many six-feet-tall men with a size thirteen sandal in his time, and getting the details right in a correspondingly large penis takes some doing. Besides, part of the Lord's left testicle was damaged in the theft, so his entire kit would have had to have been re-hung."
Mr. Bolton pointed out that artist Cosimo Cavallaro had used two hundred pounds of chocolate in crafting the sculpture.
"That works out to thirty-three pounds a foot. At three-quarters of a foot for the penis, we're talking twenty-five pounds of chocolate."
Catholics reacted angrily to the defacement of the "My Sweet Lord" sculpture. Will Montague, head of the watchdog Catholics for Christianity League, called it one of the worst assaults on Christian sensibilities ever.
"I was privileged to see the sculpture at a sneak preview last week," said Mr. Montague. "Believe me, that penis was so lifelike. Its eye seemed to follow me around the room."
Cardinal Connor O'Malley of the archdiocese of New York hinted that a homosexual might have been behind the theft.
"I don't think I have to say that only a sexual pervert could do such a thing," said Cardinal O'Malley. "I shudder to think where the Lord's member might wind up."
Although Christians and art fanciers alike were incensed by the theft, many New Yorkers found humor in the situation.
"Imagine waking up and finding that in your Easter basket," said dock foreman Vic Longhesi, who had come to the Lab Gallery with a few of his co-workers to view the copulating bunnies display.
In other news, following UCLA's 76-66 loss to Florida last night, former UCLA basketball coach John Wooden, 96, declared that the Bruins dynasty "may finally be over."
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