Courtesy of Postcards


Don Imus to Star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain
By Chip Hilton

LOS ANGELES - Former on-air personality Don Imus has been tipped to star with Tom Cruise in Talkback Mountain, the story of a radio talk show host of the same name who is run out of a small Western town after he mocks the sheriff's handicapped daughter during a live remote from the town's annual chili cookoff.

After tasting some of the crippled young woman's chili, Talkback, who is played by Mr. Imus, remarks, "I'll bet that gimp don't eat this shit because if she did, she'd be up and running in no time, withered legs or not—and while we're on the subject, do you think she can put those legs behind her head?"

These remarks cost Talkback his job, his marriage—to a wooden Katie Holmes—and his sobriety; but just when he appears to be headed for boot hill, he meets a gay Scientologist, played by Tom Cruise, at a comfort station near the Grand Canyon.

That chance meeting turns Talkback around in more ways than one, and before you can say, "Ouch, that hurts," he is the host of "Scientology in the Morning," a call-in show on KASS in Los Angeles.

"Talkback Mountain, like Scientology, is all about redemption," said Mr. Cruise. "Who among us hasn't said or done something in public that he regrets? Let him who doesn't have a skeleton in his closet throw the first stone."


Correction: Yesterday we reported that Los Angeles Lakers forward Luke Walton was doing the nasty with pop psycho Britney Spears. We have since learned that Mr. Walton has been hitting Ms. Spears' cousin Alli, not Ms. Spears. If this error caused any harm to the reputations of any of these parties, we don't really give a shit.

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