Britney Spears Caught Defecating in Target Store
By Rod Bender

LOS ANGELES - Clean up in aisle nine. Britney Spears was caught by a paparazzo defecating in the cosmetics aisle of a Target store yesterday afternoon. When she was approached by a courteous Target associate, the pop-star-turned-public-eyesore became irate and abusive.

"What the fuck's wrong with all y'all?" shouted Ms. Spears. "How'd you like it if I barged in on you while you was taking a crap? If that's the way all y'all treat your guests in Tarzhay, y'all can kiss my ass."

Because of her actions—Ms. Spears had also been caught sampling a face cream she hadn't purchased—she was escorted from the store and asked not to return without a parent or guardian.

"Shhh! Don't tell anybody I sampled this without paying for it."

Target officials declined to comment on the incident, but an associate who asked to remain nameless said, "I was three aisles away when it happened, and I couldn't believe the odor. It smelled like a port-a-potty at the Ozzfest. That girlfriend better change her diet."