Alec Baldwin Heads DC Madam's Client List
By Biff Scuzzy

"I didn't do anything wrong. I was just looking for a place to hang my hat."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Choleric actor Alec Baldwin heads the list of DC Madam, Deborah Jeane Palfrey's, clients. This according to a source at ABC News, which plans to have Barbara Walters and Rosie O'Donnell read every name on the 10,000-name list on a special, three-hour edition of The View this Friday.

Ms. Palfrey, 50, who bears a disquieting resemblance to Roseanna Barr, has been indicted for running a prostitution ring. She maintains, however, that she was operating a legitimate escort service.

Ms. Palfrey's clients paid $300 for ninety minutes' worth of "legitimate, high-end, erotic fantasy service," she told reporters yesterday, explaining that it was "perfectly legal to pay a woman to come to your home, get naked, and give you a massage—as long as you stay on your stomach while she's doing you. I mean 'doing it.'"

A member of Ms. Palfrey's high-end legal defense team confirmed the existence of several voice mail messages left by Mr. Baldwin at the offices of Pamela Martin and Associates, the nom de pussy under which Ms. Palfrey operated.

For some bizarre reason Washington's power elite favored the Roseanne Barr fantasy.

The defense-team member would not divulge the entire contents of Mr. Baldwin's messages but did reveal that Mr. Baldwin had requested two escorts who should resemble his ex-wife Kim Bassinger and their daughter, Ireland, "as much as humanly possible."

Later, said the defense-team member, "Mr. Baldwin left Ms. Palfrey an irate voice mail in which he threatened to 'fly out there and straighten your asses out because the bitch playing my daughter behaved like a rude little pig.'"