Michelle Wie, Kate Moss, Charlie Sheen in Your Weekend News
By Biff Scuzzy

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Michelle Wie makes golfing history; Kate Moss is caught making a buy; and Charlie Sheen denies knowing anything about Natalee Holloway's disappearance. On a weekend when Barbaro won the Kentucky Derby by the greatest margin in six decades and Mission:Impossible III opened to less than resounding applause, we bring you these other stories instead because here at Postcards from the Pug Bus we believe people get the kind of news they deserve.

Sixteen-year-old golfing phenomenon Michelle Wie has finally notched the breakthrough achievement her legions of fans have been predicting since she was three. This weekend Ms. Wie made the cut at a men's tournament, the Telecom Open, in South Korea. By doing so she matched an accomplishment that has gone unchallenged since 2003, when Se Ri Pak, another female golfer, qualified for the same event.

Even more remarkable was the fact that Ms. Wie finished the tournament on her own terms. Once again playing poorly in the final round, she dropped from tied for seventeenth to tied for thirty-fifth at the end of the day.

"This proves that Michelle can beat some men golfers all of the time and all men golfers some of the time," said a delighted Sloan Mullins, who had traveled from San Diego to watch Michelle Wie make history in South Korea.

Kate Moss, whose dalliance with controlled substances has been well-documented, was photographed making a drug buy from a portly man in a gray wife beater and black headband. As the photo on the right clearly shows, Ms. Moss is slipping several bags of cocaine into her jacket pocket with her right hand as she casually dangles a wad of bills in her left.

The man from whom she made this broad-daylight purchase is believed to be the small-time drug dealer Jeremy Clyde. Mr. Clyde, 62, is one half of the long forgotten British pop duo Chad & Jeremy, who scored a top ten hit in the United States with "A Summer Song" in July 1964.

Charlie Sheen, meanwhile, has denied that he knows anything about the disappearance of Natalee Holloway. The statement is the latest in a series of proactive denials designed to combat accusations leveled at Mr. Sheen by his estranged wife, Denise Richards. Ms. Richards, who is seeking a divorce from Mr. Sheen, has accused him of threatening to kill her, abusing prescription drugs, gambling compulsively, and snorting cocaine off the pages of Barely Legal magazine in front of dinner guests.

While claiming he is unable to respond to these charges because they are matters of litigation, Mr. Sheen said there is nothing to stop him from making proactive denials of other irregularities before Ms. Richards can accuse him of them. To date Mr. Sheen has denied that he is gay, that he is or ever was a Scientologist or a vegan, and that he has ever abused animals or parked illegally in spaces reserved for the handicapped.