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Courtesy of Postcards
According to Police guitarist, Andy Summers, the current trouble began when members of the trio, who have been sequestered in different hotels during tour rehearsals, met via satellite hookup to select the Klaus Harmony compositions they would play on tour. Mr. Harmony, known as the "Mozart of Porn," was a pop star and, later, celebrated composer of scores for erotic films who died mysteriously in London in 1984 at the age of forty-three. "Before me and Stewart (Copeland, Police drummer) could even present our selections," said Mr. Summers, "Sting was already telling us the best way to stage the pieces he had chosen. It was 1982 all over again." To make matters worse, added Mr. Copeland, Sting informed the band that he wanted to play "his" Klaus Harmony works as solo compositions adapted for the lute, while a slide show of him and his wife Trudie Styler, engaging in tantric sex, is projected on large monitors above the stage. "I said to myself, 'Who wants to see a pair of wrinkled geesers having it off on a screen large enough to make their pores look like craters on the moon?'" said Mr. Copeland. "Besides, if Gordon (Sting's Christian first name) gets a solo, then Andy and I get one. That's right in our contracts." An attorney for one of the band members, speaking off the record, said he hoped an out-of-court settlement could be reached in time to allow the tour to begin on schedule. In other news, singer Sheryl Crow has adopted a two-week-old baby whom she plans to limit to one diaper change per day in the interest of fighting global warming. ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional.
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