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Courtesy of Postcards
Tom Cruise is trying to keep it under wraps, but we have learned from a "special correspondent" living on the 500-acre desert ranch/ L. Ron Hubbard shrine/crazy house that Mr. Cruise himself is producing, directing, and starring in a remake of the hit television show, Mork and Mindy. "Tom has been searching for a movie where he and Katie can work together. He's found the perfect vehicle for he and his bride," a source is quoted as saying. No word whether or not young Suri will co-star along her inter-galactic, space traveling, alien loving parents. "Tom is passionate about the remake of this classic sitcom," continues the source, who is anxious to talk. "Tom plans on incorporating all he has learned about Dianetics into the film and is in negotiations with former sitcom star Alf to play Xenu. He's really excited—no, he's pumped up about it!" Mr. Cruise thinks this film, Mork and Mindy and Elron, will polish his rapidly tarnishing gold crown. Whereas once he was king of the box office, he's now court jester of Beverly Hills. He has all but lost his box office mojo due to his erratic behavior, frequent all nighters at the Scientology Center eating Entenmann's™ snack cakes with Kirstie Alley, and telling everyone about his mother ship, which includes a custom espresso machine and a soft ice cream dispenser. Need an idea for a great gag? Want to spice up your office with a little humor? Check out some of the great fake degrees at Phony Diploma! By the way, Katie is forbidden to eat not only ice cream (soft and hard), but also white bread, sugar, and potato chips. Tom feels the crunching of the chips will irritate Suri's small ears, puncturing the ear canal and damaging her delicate drums.Phony Diploma specializes in creating realistic fake college degree as well as amazing fake diploma certificates. So fool all your friends, family, and co-workers with a product from Phony Diploma! "He is confident that Suri can smell sugar and Katie consuming candy bars and chewing gum will adversely affect Suri and cause her gross weight gain in the future," says a disgruntled chauffeur who used to drive Tom to and from his "special meetings" at the cuckoo club house. The chauffeur is mainly annoyed because Tom, on many occasions, tried to clamp an emeter on the driver's thigh and attempt to measure how many aliens were taking up residence in his body. True story. Mork and Mindy will begin production this fall after Katie has lost the baby weight. Tom was so thoughtful—he hired a personal trainer to whip her ass into shape before they exchange not only their vows but also signed contracts, which state the marriage will last five years but not exceed ten. He also gave her a bottle of Flintstone™ chewables and suggested she take one a day to cure her postpartum depression. Unfortunately, the only thing that will cure her ailments is breaking up with his Royal Freakness and getting rid of the ghost of Xenu who has taken up residence in Tom's king sized bed. ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional.
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