Britney Spears Quits Kabbalah, Madonna Upset
By Chip Hilton

Is Britney Spears starting a white Rastafarian movement?

MALIBU - Britney Spears is quits with Kabbalah, the ancient body of knowledge about the nature of divinity, the creation of life, the origin and fate of the soul, and the role of human beings in the universe. Kabbalah, whose meditative, mystical, and magical practices are taught only to a chosen few, is practiced by Madonna, Ashton Kutcher, Demi Moore, Roseanne Barr, and other celebrities.

Ms. Spears, however, wants no more of it. Last Friday, in the section of her official website reserved for her spiritual musings, Ms. Spears posted the following announcement: "I no longer study Kabbalah. My baby is my religion."

As usual the pithiness of Ms. Spears' declaration left her interpreters to chew on her words in an effort to digest her meaning. If her eight-month-old son, Sean Preston, is her religion, does that make him a god or the reincarnation of Buddha? Will she change his name to Sean Yahweh Spears or perhaps The Dalai Preston? If Sean Preston is god, will people have to revise their assessment of Kevin Federline, god's father? And what about the baby girl Ms. Spears is carrying? Does Ms. Spears' religion also have goddesses—as Hinduism and Wicca do? If Ms. Spears knows, she isn't saying.

Whatever its import, Ms. Spears' announcement ended weeks of speculation in Us Weekly, Star, Kabbalah Homes and Gardens, and other journals.

"Britney had been seen recently at several malls without her red Kabbalah string tied around her wrist," said Us Weekly's religion editor, Katherine Wenner.

This led many people, including Madonna, to wonder if Ms. Spears had lost faith in her string's ability to protect her.

"The red string," explained Madonna, "is more than a fashion statement. It absorbs the subconscious energy of our negative thoughts and behaviors, and by doing so it protects us from harm and allows us to realize our full potential in every area of our lives."

Some observers claim the high incidence of lesbianism among Kabbalah followers ultimately turned Britney Spears off.

Followers of Kabbalah never remove their red strings once they put them on, believing that only when the red string falls off of its own accord is a person free of all subconscious spiritual baggage.

This belief begs one further question: Did Britney Spears remove her red string or did it fall off?

"I think it fell off," quipped talk show host Jay Leno. "Britney's noted for wearing things until they fall off. I hear that's how she got pregnant again—when her thong fell off."

In other news, a NSA official said it is too early to tell if the increased volume of phone calls on Mother's Day means that a terrorist attack is imminent.