President Bush Speaks Out about Haditha Killings, Dixie Chicks
By Biff Scuzzy

"Freedom's just another word for no one left to shoot."

WASHINGTON, D.C. - An emotional President Bush told reporters who attended a special screening of United 93 at the White House on Tuesday night that the Marines who executed twenty-four Iraqi civilians last November "dishonored their country and the cause of freedom" by lying about their actions.

The executions, which the Marines attempted to blame on a roadside explosive device that had killed one of their comrades, took place inside several private houses in a residential section of Haditha, an insurgent stronghold in the Sunni-dominated Anbar province. No less an authority than Michael Smerconish has called Haditha "one of the most dangerous spots on earth"—more dangerous even than Aruba during spring break.

"Our fighting men and women understand that we have to kill innocent Iraqis abroad so we won't have to kill them at home," the president said. "If our troops can't deal with that reality, they don't deserve to wear the uniform."

The president said he was troubled by the Marines' attempted coverup because "lying about them folks won't bring 'em back to life, and besides, lying makes our country look weak in the eyes of our enemies.

"The terrorists who attacked us on 9/11 didn't lie about it afterwards," said the president. "They stood by their actions, which killed a lot more innocent folks than the Marines did in Haditha."

Even though he disavowed the Marines' coverup and said they ought to be punished for their lies, the president was quick to point out that their actions were those of "a tiny, minority" and should not obscure the fact that "most Marines understand that the security of our civilians at home depends on the deaths of civilians, including women and children, in other nations. That's part of the price of spreading freedom."

In related news, President Bush declared that the boycott of the Dixie Chicks was "a mission accomplished." The president told reporters that the trio's new CD, Taking the Long Way, currently the number one album in America, sold "only" 526,000 copies its first week out. "That's 254,000 copies less than their last CD sold during its first week," said the president smugly.