Angelina Jolie Transdermal Patch Introduced by Merck
By Phil Maggitti

The Noangitol patch accessorized seamlessly with different skin tones.

NEW YORK - The Angelina Jolie transdermal patch, developed and tested by Merck pharmaceuticals, will be available July 1, a company spokesperson said yesterday. The patch, which delivers a time-released dose of medication through the skin and into the bloodstream, has proven to be effective in ridding persons of any interest in the activities of Ms. Jolie, said Shelly Reis, information director for Merck.

In controlled blind tests at the Merck Human Behavior Institute, two groups of persons who had spent at least two hours a day for the last six months visiting websites or chatrooms devoted to Ms. Jolie—or reading magazine articles about her—agreed to wear transdermal patches. The beta group was given the medicated patch, known by the trade name Noangitol; the alpha group was given an identical-looking patch that did not contain medication.

Both twelve-member groups were then taken to the library at the behavior institute, where they were instructed to gather information about global warming and the Iraq war. They were allowed to use any of the computers, books, or magazines in the library. Unbeknownst to the groups, the library's computers were programmed to record their web-browsing activity, and hidden webcams tracked their reading choices.

After one week of three-hour sessions in the library, the alpha group, whose patch contained no medication, had visited, on average, fifteen websites devoted to Ms. Jolie. They had read twenty-nine articles about her from the Google News index, and they had spent, again on average, fifty-nine minutes a day in chatrooms related to Ms. Jolie. Eight members of the group had also downloaded Angelina Jolie screen savers.

Placement of the patch did not impact its effectiveness.

Members of the beta group, which wore the Noangitol medicated patch, visited twelve Jolie websites, 20 percent fewer than the alpha group. Similar reductions were observed in reading choices and time spent in chatrooms. In addition, members of this group had assembled a few rudimentary facts about global warming and were able to locate Iraq on a map.

"We were pleased with the performance of the Noangitol patch at that point," said Ms. Reis. "The medication in the patch is similar to selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), a class of drugs used to treat depression, anxiety, and some personality disorders. SSRIs can take as long as four weeks to reach maximum efficiency."

Statistics gathered at the end of the fourth week of the Merck trial proved Ms. Reis' contention. The behavior of members of the alpha group, which received no medication, had not changed. Indeed, in some cases—time spent in chatrooms and number of screensavers downloaded—it had grown worse. Furthermore, members of this group still believed Saddam Hussein was responsible for the 9/11 attacks in America.

Members of the beta group, however, were virtually uninterested in Ms. Jolie. They spent most of their computer time researching global warming or the war in Iraq. Their off-topic browsing was confined to shopping for clothes or e-mailing friends, behavior that's consonant with typical web-browsing activity. Two married members of this group even started an on-line romance, and were caught having intercourse in the library's special collections room.

The water-resistant patch can be worn while showering or having sex or both.

"We also tempted this group," said Ms. Reis, "by leaving fake issues of Star and People magazines, with headlines like "Is Angie Dumping Brad?" or "Maddox Tries to Smother Shiloh," lying around the library. Our secret webcams showed members of this group ignoring those magazines—including the ones we had planted in bathrooms—and picking up ersatz issues of Time or Newsweek with cover stories about global warming or the Iraq war. Interestingly, the members of this group believed the Bush administration was lying about both subjects."

According to Ms. Reis, the Noangitol patch, with a suggested retail price of $39.95, will be available only to patients with a doctor's prescription. She warned against knock-off patches that are already cropping up on some Mexican and Canadian on-line pharmacies.

Ms. Reis did not know whether the Noangitol patch would be covered by prescription-
drug plans. She did say, however, that Merck was testing prototypes of TomKat and Kurban patches, "the next level of anti-celebrity transdermal patches," that work to eliminate addiction to both members of a celebrity couple at once.

In related news, lawyers for Tom Cruise have entered a motion in a New York court asking that research on the TomKat patch be halted because it "materially infringes on our clients' rights to earn a living."