Courtesy of Postcards
Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass
By Phil Maggitti
VATICAN CITY -- Following months of speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church. The pope's decision was made public Saturday in a decree entitled Igpay Atinlay Ulesray.
Known as the Igskinpay rite, the Pig Latin mass is conducted by a priest who faces the altar. This kind of worship was never officially banned, but following the mid-1960s reforms of the Second Vatican Council it was effectively replaced by a liturgy recited in the vernacular and often accompanying by guitar playing.
Pursuant to the pope's decree, however, priests will no longer have to get permission from their bishops in order to say the mass in Pig Latin. What's more, any folksongs sung at mass must be translated into Pig Latin, and any wishing of peace to one's fellow mass goers must be rendered in Pig Latin also.
Not surprisingly many progressive Catholics greeted the pope's decree with dismay.
"'Owinblay in the Indway,'" just doesn't convey the same message as 'Blowin' in the Wind,'" said Father Bud, director of the Neumann Center at Millersville University in Pennsylvania.
What's more, Jewish leaders complained that the inclusion of an Oodgay Idayfray prayer for the conversion of the Jews was "a slap in the face to Israel" and could lead to "serious military consequences" if it isn't removed at once.
"Uckfay the Ewsjay," retorted Pig Latin advocate Mel Gibson, who has been known to speak nothing but Pig Latin for days on end.
ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional.
Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.