Six Things to Do in Your Crocs Before You Die

Courtesy of Postcards

Six Things to Do in Your Crocs Before You Die
By Phil Maggitti

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - As Croc sightings continue to rise—Jack Nicholson was seen flaunting a light blue pair recently—it has become apparent that wearing Crocs is no longer its own reward, even if that puts you in the fashion-
able company of Chef Mario Batali, Matt Damon, Terri Hatcher, Al Pacino, and other celebrities.

Unfortunately the rest of us Croc lovers have been branded by self-appointed fashionistas as hopeless old farts of all ages. In order to fight that stereotype, Crocsters have to let their other freak flags fly. We've got to get busy, jiggy, funky, gnarly, and high as we want to be. Therefore, we present the following list of six things you owe it to yourself to do in your Crocs before you die.

Warning: do not attempt any of these feats if you are a grandparent living in an over-fifty-five retirement community that borders on a golf course. You probably are an old fart, and you shouldn't be seen off the reservation unless you're in an ambulance.

1. Have sex with your girlfriend’s best friend standing up. Whether she bones you because she likes your Crocs or she wants to see if you’re really that gay, she’ll be impressed by the extra bounce that Crocs put into your thrust. She’ll stagger away thinking you’re a stand-up guy or, perhaps, that she’s just been rammed by Donald Duck. Recommended color: orange.

2. Walk through a ghetto after dark. Nothing says insouciance like a pair of Crocs. Let the brothers or homies or whomever-the-fuck know that you’re a person who couldn’t give a shit about convention, and as you walk through the valley of death, fear not, nobody’s ever been jacked up for a pair of Crocs. Recommended color: pearl.

3. Go canoeing, get drunk, try to walk on water. That’s how Jesus did it. Nuff said. Recommended color: light blue.

4. Crash the funeral of someone you never met. Most funerals are totally devoid of whimsy, and Crocs have whimsy out their air holes. If anyone asks how you knew the departed, smile a bit sadly and say, “We shared a fondness for comical footwear.” Recommended color: pink.

5. Knock over a convenience store. Have you ever seen a person wielding a gun and wearing Crocs at the same time? Neither have we. When you show up with your Glock and your Crocs, the dude behind the counter won’t know whether to piss or go blind. Recommended color: yellow.

6. Color your hair to match your Crocs. Show those butt-licking slaves to fashion that Croc wearers do know how to accessorize. If anybody gives you any shit, tell him you’ve just gotten a gig at the Ronald McDonald house. Do not, however, get a belt to match your Crocs. That is totally uncool. Recommended color: purple.

Today's Postcards poll:

What would you like to do in your Crocs before you die?

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