David Beckham Sucks, According to Soccer Poll
By Biff Scuzzy

David Beckham, right, in soccer's traditional victory celebration.

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - David Beckham has gotten off on the wrong foot according to the first scientific analysis of his ability to pimp soccer in the United States. A poll conducted by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading satire website, revealed that most Americans couldn't give a free kick about Mr. Beckham or the game he plays.

The poll, conducted via the Pug Bus website from July 10 through 13, asked respondents to complete the following sentence: "Soccer is a game played by . . ."

Participants then selected one of five choices to complete the statement. The choices were: (1) British fops like David Beckham; (2) obnoxious mothers and their dainty sons; (3) chicks that rip their shirts off when they win; (4) grown men who don't have the balls for football; and (5) who gives a shit?

Nearly two out of three respondents (59 percent) chose "who gives a shit?" Their answer suggests that no matter how many late night telephone chats Mr. Beckham has with his AHB Tom Cruise, America remains thunderously indifferent to a game in which a 1-0 score is considered a riveting contest. Their indifference was summed up neatly by Digger Evans, 36, a security guard from Holyoke, Massachusetts.

"I couldn't give a big rat's ass about that fag sport. David who? Never heard of 'im. My husband says you should ask some of them Puerto Ricans that live around here. They probably got his picture on the living room wall, right next to Axel Rodriguez."

If this couldn't sell soccer, what could?

Ms. Evans's notion that soccer is somehow a less-than-
manly game was seconded by nearly one out of five respondents (17 percent) to the Pug Bus poll. This cohort replied that soccer is a game played by "grown men who don't have the balls for football."

"That game's as gay as Clay Aiken," said Roger Cunningham of Los Angeles. "I mean, the Los Angeles soccer team is called the Galaxy. What's up with that? When we used to have real football teams around here, they were known as the Rams and the Raiders. Those are hard-charging names derived from verbs. What the hell is Galaxy derived from? The place where Tom Cruise parks his space ship?

The enormity of Mr. Beckham's task is reflected by the poor response inspired by choice 3: chicks that rip their shirts off when they win (8 percent).

Prior to Mr. Beckham's signing with Los Angeles, the single most memorable image associated with soccer in the United States was the sight of Brandi Chastain ripping off her blouse to celebrate the U.S. women's team's victory in the 1999 Women’s World Cup. Not since Paris Hilton bared it all for Rick Salomon has so much been wagered on a pair of hooters.

The following year the Women's United Soccer Association (WUSA) was founded, amidst hype similar to that attending Mr. Beckham's signing. The league commenced play in April 2001 and folded its tents in September 2003.

Although Major League Soccer (MLS), the men's version of the sport, isn't quite the bust the WUSA turned out to be, MLS is still a dodgy proposition, whose median attendance since its inception in 1996 is a reputed 13,289. That number, like the content of Ms. Chastain's bra, is suspect.

According to kenn.con, the official Kenn Tomasch website, "The numbers MLS announces for attendance not only don't have a strong relationship to the number of people actually in the stadium, they don't have a particularly strong relationship to the number of tickets actually sold. The numbers reported are too high, in some cases by as much as 50 percent."