David Vitter Returns to the Senate This Week
By Ted Gay

The cat that ate the fantasy canary.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who has been in seclusion since he acknowledged one week ago that his name was linked to phone records of Deborah Jean Palfrey, the D.C. madam, will soon return to Washington for votes in the Senate, his office confirmed Sunday.

Mr. Vitter, 46, is married with four children. He admitted that he had committed a "serious sin. I mean tossed salad serious, stuff that would make anybody telling the Aristocrats joke blush."

The senator said he had discussed the matter with his family and the Lord and has been granted forgiveness. Upon hearing this, the Lord issued a statement from eternity asking "not to be dragged into" the matter.

In addition to admitting he had patronized Ms. Palfrey's erotic fantasy-escort service, Mr. Vitter confessed to being part of an erotic slide-in-head-first fantasy baseball camp and an erotic slide trombone band camp.

Senator Vitter exaggerates to make a point during his confession.

Montgomery Blair Sibley, Ms. Palfrey's lawyer, said at the time that he was surprised at Senator Vitter's statement because the phone records containing his number had not yet been made public.

A spokesman for the senator, who co-sponsored the federal marriage amendment to keep same-sex marriage illegal, told The Washington Post that Mr. Vitter "is basically a moron."

In a further blow to the beleaguered senator, Deborah Jean Palfrey said that despite his claiming many erotic episodes with her, she does not recall him.

"Tell her I was the one who liked to burn the Constitution and lick the ashes off her chest," Mr. Vitter said before he went into seclusion.