Courtesy of Postcards


J.K. Rowling Feuds with Harry Potter Reviewer
By Biff Scuzzy

In this corner,
weighing 1.2 billion pounds.
NEW YORK - Harry Potter author, J.K. Rowling, has accused New York Times book reviewer Michiko Kakutani of "gross unprofessionalism" for writing a review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows before she had read the entire book.

Saying that she was "staggered, gobsmacked" and several other Briticisms that mean "like totally surprised," Ms. Rowling registered her complaint with Rod Bender, THEM Weekly's children's lit editor.

"An author of my stature and earning power deserves more respect than that Yoko Ono gave me," said Ms. Rowling. "How dare she buy a copy of my book in the morning and post a review of it that same evening? I spent weeks writing that book. The least she could do is give me the courtesy of reading all of it. Besides, she had the cheek to post her review three days before the official release date of Deathly Hallows. I've got a mind to buy the bloody New York Times and fire that woman."

Ms. Kakutani refused to discuss her working method or her reading speed, so we do not know if she had help reading Deathly Hallows. If she did, however, why weren't her elves mentioned in one of those additional-reporting footnotes at the end of her review? At worst she appears guilty of skipping large portions of Deathly Hallows, a short cut that would earn any junior high school student an F on her book report. Or else Ms. Kakutani is guilty of passing off others' work as her own, another F bomb in book report circles.

Although Ms. Kakutani wouldn't say how much of Deathly Hallows she had read, she was willing to answer Ms. Rowling's criticism of her review.

In this corner,
weighing 1,411 words.
"Nobody reads her [stuff] cover to cover except ten-year-olds," she said. "Adults, for whom my review was intended, skim the Harry Potter books. I don't know of anyone with a mental age greater than nineteen who reads those books in their entirety.

"Furthermore, what does Ms. Rowling have to complain about? I said nice things about her book. That woman needs to get over herself."



Tonight on Larry King Live: an exclusive interview with the president's polyps.

ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.