Tom Cruise Model Wins Chocolate Butt Plug Contest
By Biff Scuzzy

Melts in your butt, not in your hand.

HERSHEY, Penna. – The Tom Cruise butt plug was voted best in show at Hershey Park’s First Annual Celebrity Edible Butt Plug Competition, held yesterday in Hershey, Pennsyl-
vania, the self-proclaimed “sweetest spot on earth.”

This novel competition, mounted in Hershey Park’s new Dark Side of the Moon Theater, was timed to coincide with National Milk Chocolate Day but was limited, nevertheless, to dark chocolate varieties.

“We thought we’d shake up our image with a bit of counter programming, if you get my thrust,” said Hershey’s information director, Donald Tierson. “After years of Hershey Highway jokes, we decided it was time to turn the other cheek literally.”

Besides, as Mr. Tierson pointed out, dark chocolate, which is made without adding milk, is all the rage in gourmet circles these days.

Although definitions of dark chocolate vary, the First Annual Celebrity Edible Butt Plug Competition was open only to chocolates that contain at least 62 percent cacao by volume, mixed with varying amounts of sugar, vanilla, and other non-dairy ingredients.

Richard Gere entry.

Contest judges Leonardo DiCaprio, Elijah Wood, and Ellen Degeneres were instructed to assess the chocolate butt plugs on taste and appearance only, not on performance. They were further instructed to award ten points to their favorite chocolate, nine to their second favorite, and so on. The results of their deliberations are presented in descending order of merit below.

Tom Cruise, surprisingly gentle for a 67-percent, faux macho chocolate, was the judges’ favorite. “Production values have been erratic the last few years,” noted Ellen Degeneres, “but Tom seems to have everything back where it belongs.” Assertive right up the wazoo, the Tom Cruise model hypnotized with an upfront green likeness that approached grass before yielding to strong tobacco head notes, then tantalizing with a fruity but elusive finish.

Richard Gere, at 69 percent, is a single-source chocolate that is “mildly acidic and full on the nose,” said Elijah Wood. “It stuffs one with of an astonishing array of scents, from licorice to hints of olives hiding beneath.” Were it not for a distracting aftertaste of pine shavings, this entry might have taken home the top prize.

Orlando Bloom, with a “mere” 60 percent cacao content, performed surprisingly well for a contestant that many had dismissed as a lightweight. “This one might be a little too sweet for some people’s tastes,” said Ms. Degeneres, “but its sweetness is also its strength, making it a fine entry-level butt plug that can be enjoyed by novice and veteran alike.”

Tom Selleck entry.

Tom Selleck, a 70-percent chocolate, was the only organic chocolate to finish in the top five. “At last organic chocolate has emerged from its dead-end alley,” enthused Leonardo DiCaprio. “This dark star leaves the palate spinning with a dazzling array of complex highlights—and none of the lumpiness that usually betrays organic chocolates. Two thumbs way up, I say.”

Kevin Spacey, at 75 percent, was the most aggressively dark chocolate among the top five finishers. After sampling this super-dusky delight, Mr. DiCaprio noted that even though it looked and scented somewhat overprocessed, “once you get past the smell, you got it licked.”

The other top-ten finishers presented in descending order of merit were Ricky Martin, 64 percent; George Michael, 70 percent; Elton John, 67 percent; Lance Bass, at 60 percent; and Clay Aiken, 60 percent.