Pat Tillman Was Victim of Bad Karma Choice
By Biff Scuzzy

PITTSBURGH, Penna. – Army Ranger Pat Tillman was the victim of a bad karma choice, said noted karma expert Sri Edward Boghaven yesterday. The author of Instant Karma: How to Appear Worthy Even When You're Being a Total Dick, Sri Boghaven made this statement in Pittsburgh, where he addressed his followers on the second stop of his nineteen-city arena tour.

Speaking before a sell-out crowd at The Mellon Arena, Sri Boghaven said: “The army can hold all the hearings and demote all the tin star generals it wants. The fact remains, if Corporal Tillman knew anything about karma, he would still be alive today.”

Pat Tillman, who walked away from a multimillion-dollar contract with the Arizona Cardinals of the National Football League, joined the Army Rangers following the September 11 terrorist attacks. He was killed in Afghanistan on April 22, 2004.

According to the Army’s initial report, "Corporal Tillman died going to the aid of his fellow Rangers, who were under enemy attack." Within a month, however, the Army had learned that he had been the victim of friendly fire, yet that information was kept secret.

Ultimately the Army's cover up was exposed, but Corporal Tillman’s mother, Mary, still suspects that her son was killed deliberately by his comrades. This contention is supported by the close proximity of the three bullet wounds in his forehead.

Sri Boghaven, for his part, believes that Corporal Tillman “might have known how to play football, but he didn’t know jack shit about karma.

"Some days you bite the bullet; some days the bullet bites you." Sri Edward Boghaven

“He could have improved his karma just as much, if not more—and have gotten out of some tiresome two-a-days in training camp in the bargain—by simply volunteering to give motivational speeches to National Guard units being sent overseas,” continued Sri Boghaven. “He didn’t have to go chasing after Osama Bin Laden in some godforsaken rock garden in Afghanistan.

“It is a grievous mistake to invest any undertaking with more virtue than it deserves. The reason for developing good karma is to keep what goes around from coming around and biting you on the ass—or shooting you in the forehead from close range. If you can accomplish that with a penny, save the pound for a rainy day.”

This sort of counterintuitive advice has made Instant Karma: How to Appear Worthy Even When You're Being a Total Dick a runaway best seller.

“Where was this book when I was in the Peace Corps living in a mud hut in Africa with a near terminal case of the drizzling shits?” laughed an account executive puffing on a Cuban cigar in the Mellon Bank VIP Reception Tent behind The Mellon Arena.

“I totally subscribe to Sri Boghaven’s notion that good karma is an effect, not a cause and that anyone who lives within his means suffers from a lack of imagination.”