Mel Gibson Joins Alcoholics Anonymous
By Biff Scuzzy

MALIBU - "Hi, my name is Mel Gibson, and I'm here to tell you alcoholics that Mel Gibson is a snot-flinging, curb-biting, Jew-baiting drunk." Thus began the first tottering step on Mel Gibson's twelve-step road to recovery, if not box office prominence. It's a familiar road trod by obnoxious drunks and scalawags like Courtney Love, Colin Farrell, and Robert Downey Jr.

In step one the garden variety drunk admits that he or she is powerless over alcohol and that his or her life has turned to projectile vomiting. Mr. Gibson demonstrated as much last week when he went off on a California highway patrolman after being apprehended for driving 50 percent over the speed limit with 50 percent more alcohol in his bloodstream than the state of California deems prudent.

"Normally Mel Gibson is a sweet, devoutly religious guy," Mr. Gibson told his AA audience, "a devoted family man who poses for pictures with his fans and spreads the word of the Lord in cinematic epics; but if Mel gets half a bottle of tequila and a six pack of Stella in him, whoa Nellie. He's ready to f*ck, fight, or run a foot race—or to spew vicious invective at Kikes and chicks."

Following Mr. Gibson's introduction, his AA sponsor, former character actor Buzz Lighthouse, acknowledged, "Mel's introduction was a bit longer and more self-exculpatory than most, but it's a step in the right direction.

"Obviously Mel had a little trouble delivering his lines, and referring to himself largely in the third person is unorthodox, though it doesn't technically violate our rules. You have to remember that admitting in public that you've screwed the pooch is never easy."

Mr. Lighthouse said he didn't think Mr. Gibson would have as much trouble negotiating step two: coming to believe that a power greater than ourselves can restore us to sanity.

"After all," said Mr. Lighthouse, "we're talking about a man who built a chapel and elaborate, life-size outdoor stations of the cross on his property."

In other news, Tour de France winner Floyd Landis has been charged with excessive excuse making by the tour's oversight committee. If Mr. Landis offers one more half-assed excuse for failing a blood test following day 17 of the tour, he will be stripped of his title and barred from holding press conferences for two years.