Mitt Romney’s Campaign Winnebago Hits Pothole
By Ted Gay

Old Mitt of the Mountain

MULESHOE, Texas - The Mitt Romney campaign Winnebago hit a pothole yesterday when the former Massachusetts governor, who estimates his personal fortune at more than $250 million, told conservative radio talk-show host Sean Hannity that he (Romney) was able to buy the Iowa straw poll for “pocket change.”

Romney captured 32 percent of the Iowa vote after ninety-six members of his family had flooded Iowa with cash to aid his campaign in the weeks before the straw poll.

“Dad has $250 million,” said son Tag, who drove the lavishly appointed Winnebago that he and his four brothers used to stump for their dad. “If he wants me to steer this dang thing into the Mississippi, it’s a done deal.”

Not all of Romney’s known sons are happy to see their potential inheritance squandered on their father’s presidential campaign. Said one son, who refused to be identified, “If Dad spends every dime he has getting elected, we’re going to end up like the Bush twins—drunk, constantly without panties, and living with multiple STDs.”

Romney is planning to use his personal fortune to buy votes in several early primary states, hoping the momentum will carry him to the Republican nomination and from there to the presidency. He promised New Hampshire voters free driveway plowing for four years, the re-carving of The Old Man of the Mountain in his image, and a ban on European leaders jet-skiing in thongs on Lake Winnipesaukee.

They also serve who only stand around and clap.

Romney promised South Carolina voters free weekend barbeques, a new racetrack, and victories for Dale Earnhardt Jr. in every NASCAR race he enters.

In Florida Romney plans to follow the traditional path to victory by simply paying off the people who count the votes.

When told that one of his sons has reservations about this strategy, Romney, whose campaign car is fitted with a bullet-proof shield to protect his hair, replied: “My sons might not be serving in Iraq, but they are serving the country by letting their father risk squandering their inheritance to get elected, even if it means leaving them drunk, naked, and festering with crabs, like many of our soldiers in Iraq.”