Exodus International Touts Turnaround for Homosexual Priests
By Buck Wheat

ORLANDO, Florida - Exodus International, the Christian evangelical fellowship renowned for its success in turning gays and lesbians into “socially useful” heterosexuals, announced yesterday that a group of more than one thousand gay men has turned “effectively heterosexual” as a result of the ex-gay therapy promoted by Exodus.

"We produced a nearly 100-percent success rate—or should I say ‘a 180-degree success rate’—in turning these formerly gay men into complete, full-blooded, healthy heterosexuals," reports Exodus’ President and CEO Alan Chambers.

Chambers explained that Exodus’ mode of ex-gay therapy involves “complete withdrawal” from any man-boy contact whatsoever, coupled with “immersion therapy” with members of the opposite sex.

“After separating the homosexual priests from the boys, we placed those priests in the constant presence of various Girl Scout and Brownie troops. The results were astounding. Eighty-two percent of the priests, through the grace of Our Lord Jesus Christ, eventually made some sort of sexual advance toward the girls. Granted, the majority of those advances involved anal intercourse or fellatio, but who’s going to stare a gift horse in the mouth?”

Of the remaining priests, said Chambers, one half displayed signs of psychosexual eating disorders involving Girl Scout marshmallow puffs; one quarter became cross-dressers, and one quarter became Exodus re-programmers.

Chambers was at pains to point out that with so many young women taking virginity pledges, incidents of anal intercourse and fellatio are “commonplace, even among heterosexuals” today.

The Vatican’s reaction to the Exodus project was over the moon.

“This has the potential to re-energize the heterosexual priesthood,” exclaimed Vatican spokesman Fr. Gianni Ricardoni.

Fr. Ricardoni reported that Pope Benedict XVI is “very pleased with these outcomes” and will soon formally recommend replacing the Cardinal Bernard Law Altar Boy of the Month calendar with an altar girl of the month edition. This recommendation will appear in a decree set forth in an upcoming papal letter titled Effercio Rectorum Nostra (Fill Up Our Rectories).